I cannot believe the year is 1/12 over. What a trip.
I had one of those epiphanies this morning where I have successfully (for today at least) divorced my emotions from work. I am going to deliver good stuff in time/early but I have zero emotion about it and it is so nice???? I think I'll be able to log off of work today feeling not completely drained of life and that's nice.
I am trying to think about how to break my day into intentionalities: relaxation, creation, education, dissertation.
Anyway, we finally finished doing paperwork regarding a thing today and I'm so happy it's finally done. I did the grown up thing and made a phone call to do a different thing but had to leave a message so I hope they get back to me soon. I would like to be done adulting for today please.
I've had this pretty good mood all day, but I also have an intractable headache and so I guess we're coming out net-zero which is kind of a bummer but whatever.
Gonna go stare at not-a-screen for a little bit to give my brain a break.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
WELP
I made a joke to a friend that "I have 2 wolves inside me: one says I should speak my potential to move out of the US into existence, the other one says even thinking about it will jinx it.
The second one was correct.
I'm not going to get into details on the off chance that my stupid IRL collides with on here, but I am fucking morose about it and I'm trying to be not that and it's big time ebb and flow here with the ol' fee-fees. I am making jokes cos it's helping to blunt the absolute despair I'm feeling about this bullshit emotional rug pull. It is very hard.
But there are some really great things that are happening that I'm excited about!
Spouse got his social work program app turned in and it sounds like the turn around on it is pretty fucking fast? Idk I'm very excited for him.
We're also finally at the tail end of paperwork around MiL's death and that's a huge relief. Especially cos it's also TAX SEASON here and I want to shunt every part of all of this out of my brain ASAP.
I've been thinking a lot about what people mean when folks say someone is a downer. Cos I think there's a lot of nuance there, and it gets lost in this ever-present haze of aggressive and toxic positivity.
I've always been told I'm "too negative" and I know I'm the person that makes my friends groan whenever they think they're telling me a "good news" story. Mostly cos that good news is actually probably bad news. Or they're excited to support a cause, but lol the cause is actually a veneer on a shitty thing.
Anyway I bring this up because I think it's important to recognize that a lot of us downers are actually just very interested in sharing information and facts and sorry, a lot of the time that information and those facts are giant fucking bummers.
And I struggle as a sharing type person, to know when to respect the "I don't want to be disabused of a notion" and squaring that against "well, this notion is actively bad and me letting you continue thinking it is enabling something awful." And the EXTRA hard thing is honestly? I don't think there's much that doesn't fall into the "you need to know better" bucket. I guess the easiest way to explain this is I'm the "Adam," like from Adam Ruins Everything. I. Just. Want. To. Help.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot of feelings so I'm gonna go work on getting that under control.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Made peace with a ton of shit in my life. Looking forward to potentialities that feel more real than they've felt in a very very long time.
I'm slowly extricating myself from reading about here cos soon here will be there and elsewhere will be here and that feels really good. Here is real bad y'all.
We've been watching Station Eleven and it's all right but spouse called it "a zombieless zombie-apocalypse show for people who think they're too good for zombie shows" and it has diminished for me. Not because of the zombie apocalypse part, but because of the pretense part. Anyway it's fine. The odd episodes are better than the evens. I'm 5 episodes in, we'll see where it lands.
I've also been reading books. I think I mentioned that before. Anyway I've read 3 books this year and that makes me happy. I used to read all the time as a kid. It's nice to get back to it.
I am listening to Tori Amos's first 3 albums today and I forgot how unapologetically horny they are and the reminder is a real delight. They are also unapologetically sad. Which I also thoroughly enjoy.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Well. I'm back on my bullshit. (That is, I'm back on the fediverse .) I have my own private, hosted (let's be honest I'm never learning Linux), and just enjoying not looking at Twitter. Twitter makes me sad, cos the US is trash and there's nothing I can do about it.
I am weighing the idea of leaving my employer for my dream employer, but the position at my dream employer is tethered to US central time +/-2 hours. Which is a dealbreaker. There is a glimmer of a possibility in a different department at my current employer but I'm scared to think about it because I don't want to be disappointed.
I just want out of the US. I want it so bad. I will do anything to be free of this horrible place.
Anyway, I've been reading books this year and just trying to find work-life balance now that I'm back at work and honestly I hate it. Working I mean. I hate working. I think work is bulllshit.
I'm trying to be positive and it's sort of working. Sort of.
I just want to be happy.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Today has been a lot.
First day back at [day job] in 3 weeks. Learned a thing that made me very angry. A thing I warned against but no one cares.
BUT then I learned my DREAM EMPLOYER expanded requirements for my DREAM JOB and so I'm working on my resume.
THEN I learned that a person quit with nary a goodbye in a better/higher paying department at CURRENT EMPLOYER.
So that's nice.
I went through this here site and a fixed a metric fuckton of unforced errors. Yeesh. I do everything here manually. Creation of archive pages, changing archive links, etc. I miss things sometimes. Sometimes for years. They are better now.
I go back through my old entries every once in a while. And boy oh boy does it make me sad to now know that 2/3 or better of the lifespan of this site has been under covid. Time is a fuck. Also this country's shit ass approach to covid. All a fuck.
Gonna sneak out of a meeting a few minutes early to go To The Dentist.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.