Tomorrow is moving day.
It makes me want to die. I can't wait until it's done. I just want to be done.
The ~special company rep who gets you amazing deals~ for our apartment complex completely fucked up our transfer of service for internet. Because of course he did. I am so sick of this stupid ass shit. Every god damn thing every god damn time. Sick. Of. It.
I don't feel good, but it's probably because I've eaten nothing but half a box of stale cheerios today.
I have a migraine and I can't focus on work so I just took a nap and played Destiny and I don't even care. My whole being is weary.
Wish me luck, I'm disassembling our bed at 5 am tomorrow.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Estate planning, or I guess, dealing with, is a fuck. Like A FUCK. An EXPENSIVE ASS FUCK.
ANYWAY
I'm trying to be productive at work but all I can think about is moving and it's making me antsy and unfocused. I'll be fine. I'm a grown up. I guess.
I'm just sitting here working on busy work and watching ASMR as the good lord intended. It's helping.
I'm gonna go eat a snack before a long meeting that I don't actually care about.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
I am fucking dying.
Not literally.
But I hate moving and I'm stressed about work and I am not sleeping and so I might as well be dying.
Plus it is just fucking RAINING all day every day and not being able to have a latent sense of the time because the sky is all NUBLADO is fucking with my brain meats.
I need to make a phone call. I don't want to. RIP everything.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Whew, hard time getting focused this morning. It'll be fine.
Finally getting all the info I need in order to finish this thing for work that I'd wanted to finish last week, but getting info was a PAIN IN THE ASS. It's fine. I'm putting it out today and I'm grateful to wash my hands of the entire endeavor. I think I'm being overly precious about this work thing. But also I just got a different email about a thing I wasn't particularly precious about and it is indicating to me that my skew toward preciousness is not only good, but necessary.
We got cool tension rods for our curtains for the new apartment that look like Real Curtain Rods, but don't require any hole-making. Now to see if I can find a similar system for a television or 3. Lol.
I have to go in deep on cleaning and all that shit over the next week to prep for move. And I need to figure out how to dissamble our Ikea bed (Brimnes) so that I can reassemble it without wanting to tear my hair out.
Whoops left this update dangling. Well my work project is complete. Huzzah and hallelujah. My front-end work, I should say. Goodness knows there will be loads of follow up.
Good god I have forgotten this post like 85 times today.
Anyway, things are good. I've been ~budgeting~ all day in my spare time because it's my favorite thing to do because I am a nerd and that is okay.
The sun is out and it tried to fool me into opening my windows, but it's only 48F/9C outside and I'm not falling for that. NICE TRY, SKY ORB.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I'm in that post-pms mania that can tip into panic attacks and I'm right on the edge and it's a lot.
I'm witnessing the inevitable turn of millennial quirkiness from "cool" to "cringe" and *laughs in Gen X*. I don't actually believe in generations as monoliths, I just enjoy anthropology and the ceaseless evolution of society.
I have to call our pharmacy to find out that YET AGAIN our insurance are being dicks about spouse's brain medicine. Sure my new insurance is inexpensive and has astonishing coverage. As long as you don't actually try to use it to keep your brain from going all sideways.
Today our wifi-disabled robot vacuum arrives. I'm excited to keep up with our cat hair without The Man mapping my fucking domicile. Also very glad that the apartment we're moving into has only non-wifi appliances. It's astonishing how willing folks in the US are to just let everyone spy on them cos they're addicted to the notion of convenience.
Anyway I'm in a really good mood so I think I'm gonna log into work early and get some emails sent off and then wait FOREVER for resolution on a couple of things that are making my job impossible.
I am trying to figure out if there's a way I can make my own plant support thingy like the ones that are (blech) only available on *m*z*n. There are these really great tension rod plant holders and I NEED them (no seriously, it's either those or I have to downsize my children) but like I don't wanna buy them from there and also they're not cheap and I don't want to spend $$$ on them. Bleh. I'll figure something out.
Anyway I sent An Important Email at work and so now I feel like I've done a thousand years of work because I'm an idiot and a child.
Gotta go ask for 1.5 days off next week.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I am behind on a work thing but it is not my fault. The stuff that is supposed to happen when I do a thing is Not Happening. And so I am stuck. It's fine.
I'm such a mess about moving. Not the moving part. Just the Everything Else. I'm tired. And I want it to be done. I hate limbo. I hate it.
I don't really have anything productive to talk about. We get our Biden Bucks tomorrow. That's nice.
I'm gonna go shoot aliens or something for a bit while I wait for answers to questions that are not going to be answers that I want.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
We got approved for the apartment we wanted. I'm so excited/terrified. Gonna need to refill my xanax sooner than later cos I can't deal with it at all.
In an attempt to turn this energy into productivity, we've bought a bunch of stuff for our new space, which we will deliver after we sign all the papers on 26 March. Fuck, that's only 11 days from now.
And we're gonna be sitting on the house for a while, prepping it for sale. I wish we could just offload it with zero prep, but I know that's not a thing that is going to happen.
I'm a fan of quick, clean breaks, and this is just not going to be that. It's fine. In that it's not at all fine, but there is nothing I can do about it. Though I do have to call a realtor today. I really hope she says "fuck it, it's gonna make more sense to just sell as is."
Anyway anyway anyway I'm gonna go pretend that work is going to distract me from this strangling anxiety. I don't normally take xanax during the day cos it makes me sleepy, but I feel like there's an anvil on my chest and my eyes are barely focusing so I think maybe a daytime dose would make sense today.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I feel like all anyone talks about is the pandemic and I get it but also it's weird.
I talk a lot about how inflexible I am, and that's not it. I'm reluctant. HOWEVER. I am also extremely adaptable. Adjusting to the pandemic was not hard. For the first half of the pandemic I worked from home and just focused on being a better budgeting person. For the second half of this year I sought out and was lucky enough to find a new job that allowed me to not be exposed to, or die from, said pandemic. Aside from that nothing changed. Groceries once a week. Video games. Making music.
I feel so bad for folks for whom this has been an exhausting and traumatic experience.
I am grateful that for me, this has been barely a blip other than forcing me to look for, and find, a better work opportunity.
I don't realy want to ever go back to being in crowded spaces ever again, especially indoors.
I guess I miss going to movies. But like, I don't mourn it. We watch movies at home. It's fine.
Left this update hanging for an hour or so cos I WAS TRYING TO GET A PS5 AND I WAS SUCCESSFUL.
I gotta double-down on getting all my work done now so that I'm not SKRESSED over the weekend while I play Destiny 2 on that sweet sweet new processor.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
We applied for an apartment yesterday. I am so scared we are going to be rejected. This spot exists at several nexūs: price, location, layout, functionality. I don't know that we'll find another place that addresses our needs and wants as ideally. Filing bankruptcy really is a fuck. It was 7 years ago and I feel like it will never ever ever go away. 7 years is a lifetime ago. We are in such a different spot now. Fuck.
I keep vacillating between "it'll be fine!" and "we're definitely gonna get denied" and it is breaking my entire brain and heart. I guess the Xanax folks should be grateful that I'm helping to keep them in business, woof.
I was going to say "in other news" but there really isn't any other news. This is all consuming. Because of course it is. We're dramatically changing our entire lives. I am not young. And even if I was young I did not like moving. BUT it is a good chance to really get rid of everything that has been acting as an anchor in our lives, and in that regard this is so freeing that I don't even really know how to feel. Mostly I just feel great. It'll be great.
Friday is Susan's funeral. Well, placement at her grave. We're not doing a Thing. More a thing with a lowercase "t." It will be closing the door on this chapter in one other way.
Anyway I'm gonna go bury myself in work so that I can distract myself from this WAITING for news about our apartment application.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
We're looking at apartments. It's horrible to have to do online. Also having to pay any kind of rent or mortgage after 7 years of...not is awful. I realize this is a very privileged position to be in. Doesn't mean I have to like losing it.
I'm so tired. I meant to take a Xanax last night cos I spent the whole day going over our budget with a fine-toothed comb and making sure that we had a clear idea of the window of money we're willing to divert to rent and parking. But I forgot. So then I didn't sleep. I haven't felt anxiety like this in a really really long time.
All that being said, I am also really excited to move into a new living space. And as much as I love having a garden, I'm going to be really happy to kiss shoveling and mowing goodbye. I have to call 3 properties today at 9 am, before heading to the dentist at 10 am. Never a dull moment.
Anyway, these three spaces are all fine. There is one I like THE MOST and I want to look at all of them today, but I don't think I'll get to look at The Most Perfect one until Wednesday? Again, finding housing during a pandemic is terrible. I would not recommend it. But it's real cute. I just hope that we don't lose the chance to snag it. Presuming it ends up being as cute IRL as it is on The Internet.
Ugh my chest hurts just thinking about it.
I'm gonna go stare at me email and wait for 9 am so I can begin these dreaded phone calls.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Days pass. It's a whole weird thing. I went back to work yesterday, as much as one goes back to work when you are working at home during a pandemic. I don't feel compelled to do anything, but at the same time I am terrified I'm going to get fired. It's pretty dumb. I should probably just do the work I said I would do...2 weeks ago.
A family member sent a condolence card with a check made out to "The [Surname] Family" and like, banks won't take those? I'm so irritated. Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult?
I'm clandestinely reaching out to different friends of ours to let them know that spouse's mom died. As Grief Secretary I'm trying to inform everyone without having spouse have to deal with any of the emotional labor of comforting folks who aren't actually affected. Death is crazy. Like, why do the folks closest to the deceased have to do ALL OF THE EMOTIONAL LABOR for everyone else? This is inverse ring theory of kvetching and it is bad.
Do every grieving person a favor, and keep your sad, protracted-relationship feelings to yourself. Unless you're self- and others-aware enough to know that the grieving party wants to be the center of your less-important and less-relevant sad feelings.
I know this sounds cunty but I don't care. Death brings a lot of histrionics from people whose place it is NOT to be the center of anything.
Anyway, I'm gonna go make more calls and try to figure out how to do this thing for work that I don't want to do.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I don't know how to describe how much the last few days (week????) have been A LOT.
Spouse's mom died on Saturday. Not unexpected, but still way faster than anticipated.
Today I woke up to $500 in fraudulent charges on one of our accounts.
I am pre-tired for today.
El. Oh. El.
Negl, I went back to work today cos spouse also went back to work today, but I could have or maybe should have just taken the whole week.
I'm Official Grief Secretary, which is fine. I volunteered for it. But that also means I'm doing loads of paperwork. Also fine. It's just definitely a full time job all on its own, especially since MiL was so stubborn about staying independent and refused to divulge even basic information to us.
I would like to nap for 80 years, please.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.