The house is closed on, our work is done. Just waiting on that wire transfer to show up. Supposedly right away today, but I realize it is before ~business hours~ even on the east coast. Dying is so much work foisted onto the living. Please, take the time to be transparent and set up everything for your beneficiaries ahead of time for the love of all that is good. Or die penniless but without debt. And/or leave no heirs. Our situation isn't even difficult and it is still SO GOD DAMN DIFFICULT.
By my count we have 4 remaining things to square away. Thank goodness. I am so sick of all of this.
In non-stressful news my houseplants are all doing well. Well, except for my orchid. I'm trying an Extreme Intervention, so we'll see if that works. It does seem to be greening up, so I'm hoping the perk is soon to follow. Everything else is gangbusters, which is fantastic.
We're almost done putting finishing touches on a collection of all of our toadlilies singles and we're looking into some short presses. We are trying to learn how to pivot from just putting music out to also putting out merch. It is hard. We are allergic to the notion of "hustle." This modern society is terrible.
We're also looking into getting some new computers cos our current ones just can't keep up with Ableton and that is our DAW and we just need moar power. I'm thinking of being a total scrub and opting for Surface books. I am finishing out my doctorate and spouse is considering going back to finish his bachelors and it will just be really nice to be able to move about the house and use our machines wherever and whenever as well as at our own dedicated work stations. Idk. I'm also worried because the 4s should be coming out next spring but it's only just now this summer so like, do we want to hobble along for an entire 'nother year waiting? Idk Idk
Anyway, happy end of June. May July be more calm.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
I doggedly avoided reading folks' twitter feeds yesterday. It was hard. Give me a trophy.
Today is a long long long day at work. I'm less irked about it than the last time (two weeks ago) that I was doing two whole people's worth of work because hell it's Wednesday and so the week is closing in on being over anyway. I had a person I previously trained who I DO NOT LIKE message me because I had said I'd closed out another training group and he thought I'd quit? He's paternalistic and terrible and also stupid. Oh well. Can't wait to avoid him forever when we're back in the building.
In non-work news I'm dealing with weirdness surrounding sale of the house and I am fucking irritated/trying not to be irritated because I don't have answers yet. Like, the answers might be what I think they should be and then the irritation is just not useful. Hell, even if it isn't the answer I want the irritation is still not particularly helpful. I wish my chest didn't hurt All Of The Time. Thankfully I get to see my doctor on Tuesday and I'm asking for a refill of my Xanax (I ran out last week).
Speaking of my doctor, she's moving away. I am fucking bereft. She's so amazing and I'm crushed. But I'll save $$$ every month (she has a very interesting "no insurance" thing going where the money goes directly to healthcare providers rather than insurance middlemen and it's wonderful). Alas.
I'm gonna go ahead and log into work early even though I'm working until at least 11 pm tonight (It's 7 am right now). Give me strength.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
I quit social media forever ago, in stages. FB in 2007 (no regrets), twitter back in 2017, mastodon in 2019. I deleted Instagram when it got acquisitioned by FB. I had snapchat for 6 months 6 years ago, but never used it "right" (direct messaging? no thank you). But I lurk. A lot. All on twitter. Because I am a person that craves information and also I am terribly angry about how much the US government just sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. In November of 2020 Indi Samarajiva wrote about how he lived through a stupid coup and now America is having one and he wasn't wrong then and he is less and less wrong every single day. The part about how everyone just returned to business as normal as his country's government collapsed from the inside like Eddie Izzard's proverbial "flan in the cupboard" is genuinely upsetting.
But this addiction to KNOWING is making me so fucking miserable. I don't want to know. Because there is not a god damn thing I can do. But I get SO MAD when people I KNOW don't know things that I think they should know. So where does that leave me? I am having trouble separating from something that I think is vital. How can you go through life ignorant of the world crumbling around you? But how can I keep going like this? My blood pressure is 20 points higher than it was 5 years ago. And it's not because of diet. It could be aging, but I think it's stress. I mean, I know it is. I don't know quite how to approach this, but I think, even though it's cringe-y, that "naming it" to begin "taming it" is probably the only viable start of an approach.
I want to move out of the US so bad. I guess I need to look at where I can get to within my [employer] before I start marrying myself to locations but like, all of the viable work locations suck. Either because of their own shitty governments or because of the shitty (for me, ymmv) climate (I will not move someplace colder, cloudier, or wetter than here. No fucking thank you).
Unrelated, the house sold and it went to a shitty investor and I don't care. We close a week from today and I'm READY. I gotta get to a UPS location so I can shove a thing in an envelope and be done with everything on my side of things. And the signing can be done via Zoom call so get fucked waiting for paperwork. Hallelujah.
Anyway that was enough of EVERYTHING so I'm just gonna go enjoy some ASMR and headspace meditations before going in to work and being annoyed by every damn person. I do have to say, grabbing my phone and starting with 5 deep breaths as opposed to pre-dawn doom-scrolling has been nice. Probably why I've been able to ascertain even the minimal amount of self-awareness about my addiction to social media-adjacent doom-scrolling in the first place. So honestly that's a nice bit of progress that I can be proud of.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
First offer came in on the house, significantly under asking. We've only had 1 day of showings so I'm trying not to be sad about it, or really to think about it at all. We'll see how stuff shakes out and it'll be however it is.
This week is so free of meetings that I am just feeling really awesome. The next four weeks after this are going to be bonkers, so I'm just working to stave off all of that as much as I can.
I have ~something~ floating around in my arm. I thought it was a bone chip. My friend who works at [Big Name University Hospital] said probably one of the screws in my arm from my surgery sheered off. So I'm having MOAR X-RAYS tomorrow to see if that's the case. Whatever it is, I hope they can just give me a local and pull that shit out. I have stuff to do.
I'm...I don't know. I guess feeling ennui or something. This house is stressing me the fuck out and I said I was trying not to think about it, but that's unrealistic.
I think I'm going to take an afternoon break to play some Mario and then I'll get back to work. I'm just skressed.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
The house is done. As done as it can be. It's "pre" listed today, and there are showings available Tues-Thurs. I am so ready to be done with this. I hope (as shitty as it is) that some investment person comes in high, and with cash in hand. Let us be done with this.
No other real news. BiL is gone back to his home state. I get along with him well mostly, but he hack-spits every morning while idk brushing his teeth or something and it's so gross. I hate spitting. Like, I don't get grossed out by most things, but even thinking about spitting makes me physically ill to the point where I almost want to barf right now just thinking about it. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuuuuuuuuck
Anyway I'm feeling kind of slow to start life today. Idk why, probably because last week was emotionally exhausting on every possible level. I think I'm gonna burn some incense this morning and really re-center myself. (Not in a woo way, in a "my mom burned this stuff and it's like comfort food for my nose" way.
All right folks, remember...
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
In an exhausting week where every day felt like a fucking Friday it's Friday and now it doesn't feel like it.
Anyway it IS Friday and I am so ready to be done with this week. I have A Thing I have been putting off forever that I need to do, but I am afraid it won't be good enough.
My washing machine smells like a fart and I don't know why. I mean, I do know, but I don't know how it's happening. The water utility was doing work in our building and they fucked everything up and now the line is just swamped with sewer gas. it's gross.
Today is payday and somehow I did a weird thing when budgeting but whatever I don't care I guess.
I really hope that we get some good news regarding the house today. It's "interview a bunch of realtors" day.
I'm gonna go spend time with my plants, and be present in the real world for a bit before Work commences.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
I am being a positive person today. That is the goal.
So, what have I been doing that is satisfying? I am working through all those damn moons in Mario Odyssey. Can you believe the last time I played this game was in 2017? Which means this game (and console) is AT LEAST 4 years old?????????
I ran out of time for lunch. Again. I need to stop doing that. Although it is helping me to shed my Covid weight. Which whatever. But also, like I need to eat lunch.
I am almost done with current thing at work and I am grateful. I am also on the threshold of Another Thing at work and I am god damn tired.
I feel like I was going to say more, but bleh.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
How the entire fuck is it only Wednesday? This week is so much. So very very much. It's a good kind of busy. Like I feel good about work and the work I am doing. I am just very tired. So very very tired.
We should be selling The House soon. I am so excited. This stupid housing market is broken and I'm willing to be a part of the problem. I do not care.
I'm still perseverating on buying planners cos I'm the world's most ridiculous person.
Anyway, I'm tired. I'm gonna go watch some ASMR, kick my feet up, and enjoy the fact that I have no meetings for the rest of this day.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Yesterday was very long. I have a migraine. And I had a sudden panic attack start, oh, 2 minutes ago? Can't take a Xanax because I'll fall asleep. Maybe for tonight.
The itch to buy a new disc planner will not go away. I need to figure out something that will not include me spending a bunch of money on stuff I don't need. I mean, I have all my old planners. Maybe I'll try to find/make some BuJo-style pages and just print them myself. I have a disc punch and I have a paper cutter for straight lines. (I prefer the half-size pages, but I also have enough discs to do full size pages if that ends up making more sense. Idk we'll see. I am very enamoured of the Park Lane planners @ Joann, but they are all 18 months and that sucks because It's June and that's 5 months of wasted pages at the beginning (they're all Jan-Jun).
Anyway, I'm having a rough morning for no real reason. I'm gonna go watch some ASMR and wait for this ibuprofen to kick in.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
Well, I did succeed in hardlining all the things I mentioned, except 1 work pc because I have to wait for a charging dock to get here. But all in all, it's all done. I am very excited. Speaking of work I am also very nervous because I am doing TOO MUCH this week. But I think it is going to be okay. I mean, it will be okay. I'm just nervous about a thing and deadlines that keep creeping up and I think I need a white board or something. I mean, what I really want to do is spend Too Much Money on a fancy planner, but Idk. I always start strong and then have a really hard time sticking with it. We'll see.
We are REALLY CLOSE to finishing our new toadlilies album. As per usual, I would request that any/all interactions begin at our bandcamp , but I understand when that is not a possibility.
I have 6 more items/bags to unpack before I am done going through all of my stuff from The Old House. I am excited to be done with it. I am sick of all of it. I just want to move on.
I've been listening to the headspace daily offerings for about a week. I'm not super good at the meditating part. My mind's only function is to wander in a panic-state. But I'm trying. My mornings are better. Gotta translate that into whole days. Oh yeah, I got a free subscription from when I was a teacher and it carried over even after I changed my email to my civilian account. Same with Calm, but I'm not as into Calm. For me, headspace just provides really nice structure. Who knew I craved structure so damn much?
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
I am feeling pretty damn great this morning. I have a plan in place to get a bunch of stuff I need to finish hardlining EVERYTHING in our apartment and I am very excited about it. Well, I mean I guess except 1 roku stuck and also our phones and I guess I could hardline our Switches. But like whatever, EVERYTHING ELSE is hardlined and that's what matters.
I'm leaving to go get the remainder of everything I want out of spouse's mom's house before his brother comes into town to flat out trash everything that is left before painting and getting realtors in. I am so excited and I'm trying not to be. I realize the market for a home right now is bullshit, but I live in a bullshit society and if that means we get an absurd amount of money as the only way his mom could leave an inheritance I can't even feign sorrow. We have been a long time very hard off and in a world that is bullshit I'm going to take those Ws where I can. Fuck it. Can't Mister Gotcha me because I'm not a fucking contrarian piece of shit.
Anyway, the sun is up, it's about to be 93°F (34°C) today which means I AM FUCKING THRIVING.
Just waiting for Beetle to wake up so I can put it back to bed until I get the cable situation made better (eg, cables clipped and off the floor/covered and smoothed) so that it can do it's work without getting stuck.
Whew I'm feeling really awesome. Like, manic upswing awesome. I am hoping I can just utterly annihilate everything I want to get done before spouse is off work. Cos yeah, he had to work today. Which is total bullshit. But I can do my part to get things done and also it helps me to have hard deadlines. Like, "get the house part done by 11 so you can get your shopping done by 2:30 so y'all can be home and relaxing for the rest of the weekend."
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.
What is it like to not be tired? I am desperate to know. What is it like to feel like you can take a day off? Again, I do not know.
I am thinking about completely redesigning portions of the site. Mainly because it's like 99% what I would consider blog posts. Like, I might just have "blog" and then "making" or something. I don't know. It's hard because I also think there should be a section for like reviews or whatever. I'll figure it out tho. I just know I don't like it the way it currently is.
I am super stressed about things at work and I hate it and it's stupid. It's stupid because what can get done will get done and I just need to push it away like those guys do the ball thing in curling (h/t to Bill Burr, problematic fave, for coining that phrasing regarding letting go of religion .
I got BOSU the other week. Week. It has been several weeks since I purchased it. Ugh. ANYWAY this wasn't meant as a point to shame myself. I am just reminding myself that getting up a bit earlier (like, I could get up with my spouse at 4) I could really work out and watch the sun rise and spend time with my many many plants and it will be good! Yes. I am going to do that.
I am also super stressed because of the whole situation with spouse's mom's house and prepping it for sale. Mostly cos I'm the problem. I am going early on Saturday to clean out the rest of my stuff so that when his brother gets here he can just trash everything else. This will also be good.
Anyway, I'm gonna go log into work too early cos I have shit to get done and mornings are truly the only time I have any energy.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
GET VACCINATED.
Stay safe.