I. Got. The. Job.
I gave my notice at work on Wednesday. I'm surgically telling the people I like. Fuck the rest.
I got into a nasty email exchange with my soon-to-be-former HR department. The joke at work is that I say I'm going to send a mean email, and at worst it's just terse. This time I went full bore. Reap the whirlwind, fuckface.
My last day is next Friday. The same Friday that is my 40th birthday. This wasn't on purpose but I'm also not sad about it.
I gave myself the week between my end date and start date at New Job to do nothing. I'm very excited to do fucking nothing. Lke, So Damn Excited.
My insomnia isn't better. I had 2 nights without waking up and being awake for hours. Last night I woke up at 1:30 like I always do and didn't fall back asleep until 3:30. I will just be eternally tired, I guess. I just keep having nightmares about my current/soon-to-be-former workplace. I am ready for those to be over.
I DID get a weighted blanket for our bed, and one for my MiL. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. 28/10 would recommend.
Anyway I'm balancing grief and joy and a thousand other emotions and I am just tired of it, honestly. Lol
Oh. And I'm getting a new car.
Our lease is almost up and Honda called and was like "do you want the 2020 version of your car, but for les $$/month?" and I was like "yes of course" but I want an orange one and that's an ORDEAL. So long story short I'm getting one straight off the build floor and I'm pretty god damn excited.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I ratted out a coworker to HR. This horrible person sits in a shared space every day and does not wear a mask. I hope she gets fired.
I was supposed to get called yesterday but the recruiter "had a bunch of meetings" and forgot to call me. I gave him a window that was 4 hours of an 8 hour work day. This is so fucking incredibly rude. I wasted my ENTIRE EVENING waiting for this motherfucker to call me. So I guess I'll be getting that call today. Maybe. If he feels like doing his job.
I'm in a not great mental space. This is entirely hinged on how I honestly expected, when I sent an email at 2 pm my time saying "I'm availabe 3:30 pm and later" which was 1:30 pm or later for the recruiter, that I'd get a call the same day.
I am so god damn tired of people being inconsiderate. Don't. Fucking. Contact. Me. If. You. Don't. Plan. To. Follow. Up. FFS
Everything in the US is terrible. I don't know how not to be sad/scared/embracing nihilism as my last survival instinct.
I am so tired.
My birthday is the Friday after Election Day.
I can't. I just can't.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I should hear today. Like for real. Because reasons.
There are so many t's I need to cross and i's I need to dot. Like I didn't know about how health insurance works. Will I lose it immediately? Will it cover me through the month? What about my pension? Will I get all of it, minus taxes?
I know the answer to those questions now and so I'm feeling A LOT BETTER.
Just
Waiting
For
That
God
Dammit
We went ahead and purchased everything for my home office. It's put together but I want to completely rearrange my office space and I can't do that until I officially quit cos there's some furniture I want to take home. Furniture I BOUGHT, so don't think I'm being a thief or something. I'm an asshole, not a thief.
It's gonna be so damn cute and cozy when I'm done. I'm so excited.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
I am still waiting. I have run the gamut of the stages of grief forward and backward, inside out and outside in. I am pretty sure the answer will be affirmative, but the process of getting to that affirmation is glacial, at best. I really really hope I hear back today. I don't want to come into my current workplace on Monday. I hate it. It makes me want to die (in a hyperbolic way, not a suicidal ideation way). Which is kind of funny because it'll ACTUALLY LITERALLY be the place that kills me. We have covid safety theater, but no real safety. I know this because there are constant leaks regarding the purposeful opacity and obfuscation of information, to the detriment of all of us working for our employer. Which is thousands of people. IT'S FUN.
I'm trying to convince my spouse to quit his shitty job if I DO get this affirmation that I am quasi-expecting. This is something that would be financially feasible given where we are and what I'd make with THE CHANGE. I think he's afraid to give in to that level of hope and I get it. It's terrifying to think that something awful could stop. Also walking away from something, even if you hate it, with nothing to take its place is really scary. I'm hoping I can make it seem not just feasible, but good and right. This possibility for him actuallly makes me more excited than the opportunity for me. That we could both just BE AT HOME during a pandemic sounds so fucking good.
I'm going to allow myself a brief moment of future planning, a thing I have been consciously NOT doing because this career change still isn't a done deal, but I need to feel good and this makes me feel good.
I'm thinking about where/how I would like to set up an office space. I am thinking about furniture and lighting and comfort and honestly it just makes me really happy. Idk I don't want to get too detailed because then I will be INCONSOLABLY SAD if it doesn't work out. But I want it. I need it. Aaaaaaah.
I've been doing so much screaming inside my heart. My whole chest hurts.
EDIT/UPDATE:
Not a good update. Not a bad upadte. I still have no fucking news and I'm about to tear my hair out.
I do not understand red tape. I mean I guess I kind of do, I currently hold a public sector job, but like jesus christ anyone who complains about public sector red tape... have you worked in the private sector? DAMN.
I was really hoping to have more information sooner because if I DO get the affirmation I wanted to buy a desk, a ring light, a new computer monitor (*cough* cheap giant teevee *cough*) and I would prefer to do that over the weekend than to have to rush around on a weekday evening attempting outfit a new office space.
Also, this is making me hate California. These folks don't seem to understand that anyone lives in any other time zone, or that we have shit we need to do.
It's fine. IT'S FINE. It is not fine. But I have to be fine with it cos lol oh well fuck me.
I feel like every time I get a crumb of "this will all be done soon and it will be what you need" I am made to wait an interminable amount of time longer and I HATE it.
Anyway maybe I'll just wait to update until after I get NEWS so that y'all don't have to read a different version of the same screed 34987259647324 more times.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
A week past when I was supposed to hear about this job. 4 days since the "very soon" email. I am so fucking tired.
I had to cover for a coworker who is out today. I threw a fit but then took the L cos I'm banking this for when they ask me to work for someone who is out for covid. I'm hoping to who/whatever that I get to quit this job before that happens. This is so unsustainable. I can't do it.
I've got nothing else. I'll edit/update this post if I hear back about this job. Hopefully it'll be to say I've been given an offer.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Heard from my recruiter YESTERDAY that things are a little gummed up, but that I should be receiving news "very soon."
Honestly, this bodes well for me. I know certain things, and so this little bit of more time will hopefully be the thing that secures me getting this new job. I'm just EXTRA hoping that "very soon" means "today." I don't know how much more my heart can take.
Unrelated to this unrelenting drama, my Destiny Beyond Light boxset shipped Saturday and I should have it by Friday. I am very excited! I did all the grinding and finished the Halloween event in like 3 days. So many folks compalining about how hard the grind was and like...no? Idk. Doesn't matter. I finished it and that makes me happy. I'm dying to know what this Ascendant Lens does. I'm guessing it'll be a "last week of the holiday event" reveal like the spider jump scare last year.
Spouse and I are working on a kind of punk rock/riot grrrl album. This is difficult because we need a (preferrably feminine-voiced) vocalist that isn't me and...we don't know anyone who would be willing AND reliable. Like, we know plenty of people who are one or the other, but NO ONE who is both. Cool. (bleh)
We had some more of our old gear sell at our fave local guitar shop, so we'll be picking up a check for that today. That makes me happy. Hooray!
I don't have a whole lot else going on. Just the compounding stress and anxiety of waiting to hear if I get this job, or if I'm stuck in covid hell.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Welp my recruiter DID say I'd get the news, good or bad, yesterday OR today so I guess that means today. And they're on California time, so with my luck I won't hear until 7 pm MY time which is just fucking mentally exhausting. Tho maybe I've experienced so much anxiety that there is now none left for me to feel ever again for the rest of my entire living life. That would be nice. Let's go with that.
I'm working on Marie Kondo'ing my workspace in the hopes that I'll just be packing up everything I want to keep and taking it home with me today or tomorrow. Hope hope hope. This is not an emotion I enjoy. At all. I don't like hoping, I like knowing.
Well Kondo stage-1 is done. My workspace is torn apart, but I've sorted what I care about from what I do not. So now I just need to know if I'm taking it home or not. Can California please get off their asses and do work before 16:00 my time? Damn!
I'm teaching a friend how to use YNAB and it makes me so happy. I want everyone to use YNAB. Here's a referral link if you're intereste!!
This update is slowly taking place over the course of an entire work day, so apologies if it seems disjointed cos, well, IT IS. I'm trying to get some last minute work done at work and also deal with a million intermittent meetings that require too much emotional labor and are therefore SO DAMN ANNOYING.
I swear to god if this employer doesn't get back to me soon I'm going to burst into flames. It is now 11:09 their time so like WHAT IS THE HOLD UP. Unless it's bad news. Fuck. I won't be able to take it if it is bad news.
I'm gonna go heat up my shoulder relaxer thingy and just pray that I get an email before 7 pm tonight, hopefully with a job offer attached.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Our music is so good. You should listen to it. A comprehensive cataloging of all our music is on the entry directly preceding this one. CHECK IT OUT. :)
Today is THE DAY I find out I didn't get the job I have been applying for since mid-September. I am framing it this way in my mind to manage my expectations. Either I'll be pleasantly surprised, or I'll just feel nothing. And feeling nothing sounds better than feeling bitter disappointment.
I could be doing work right now but I'm doing self-care, which right now means listening to our label playlist on Spotify and updating this here website.
I am transitioning away from digital planning/time management to paper/pencil. I spend too much time on screens (she said to her digital journal). But I'd be on this screen even if I wasnt updating this doing work (gross) so whatever. Plus I like to keep my coding skills ~limber~. I'm just trying to be more present, and the act of writing down something on my schedule, or checking a box, or just confirming a date and time feels more meaningful than yet anohter ping on my phone. Plus I play too many phone games and I really just need to be AWAY from it.
I'm going to work on making our various music websites more ~rEsPonSivE~ this weekend since I have more time. I mean part of me really likes that they're these shitty little css/html nuggets of goodness, but I guess it wouldn't hurt for the headers to resize appropriately and not look like farts.
I'm in that post-menstrual manic state where I actually feel really good and positive and I'm trying to spin it out into as much meaningful and permanent change as possible. THE RECORD shows that this will last about 2 days and erode into my usual negativity and self-loathing, but RIGHT NOW I feel GREAT. Hahaha hahaha
I will edit this post with the outcome of all the interviewing regardless of if it is good or bad. I don't pray, but I do have a lot of fingers (and toes) crossed.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Being in liminal times is terrble.
I am waiting to hear back on a job that I've been interviewing for FOR FOUR WEEKS. I am supposed to get my presumably soul-crushing rejection on either Wednesday or Thursday.
Like I feel like I did really well, but who fucking knows. Everything is terrible forever and I'm just so so so so so desperately in need of something good. Just this one fucking thing. Please.
I'm not religious cos I think too much, but I've definitely been dabbling in praying to whatever deities and spirits I randomly think of throughout the day because I'm just so fucking stressed and scared. I can't keep working where I'm at. It will LITERALLY kill me; COVID-style.
In other, actually happy news, we've been making loads of progress with our bands and music!
I am trying to put the focus on bandcamp, so here is our label's bandcamp, with all of our releases in one nice place: Oh My Golly Records on bandcamp .
MORE IMPORTANTLY: I HAVE BUILD SO MANY WEBSITES
PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD. We would love to broaden our audience. I have SO MANY LINKS to everywhere that our music is posted, so hopefully you are using at least one of those platforms!
About half of the sites actually have emails set up. I'm gonna bite the proverbial bullet and pay for protonmail so that I can get access to more email addresses. I wuld prefer that to having to try to manage all this inboxes through namecheap's site, which has just way to many layers for me to care about ever checking.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
Everything is chaos. Fucking chaos.
I can't even gather my thoughts enough to put together a cogent post. I just wanted to document that I am, in fact, alive, and currently (at least) not COVID-19 positive.
I'm tired. I'm fucking tired.
I hope you all are well.
Please:
Be kind to yourself.
Fuck the police.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.