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toadlilies - "in the middle of june / at the end of november"
archived: 28 May 2020
tagged: Music
Our first single is on ... all the streaming services now. I'm still waiting for YT to resolve our songs with our channel but it's there!
I am so proud of our work. Please check it out! (And like add our songs to playlists cos that's really important on Spotify cos ~algorithms~.)
I am keenly aware of how our not being on any social media is a hindrance, but I'm also not willing to do it? Idk like maybe I just need to suck it up and re-enter those awful waters.
Until then, please check it out and share often!
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Communal; Sectarian
archived: 22 May 2020
tagged: Writing
Today has been okay. I showered for the first time since Monday, so that's a thing.
I finished all of the PD I'm supposed to do for work. "Finished." My department collaborated. See, we work well together! I also became tech liaison for my department so that is nice.
I bought the "everthing" music production bundle from Klevgrand . We have other VSTs by other producers (Waves, IK Multimedia, Izotopes) but I have to say I wish I'd known about Klevgrand from the start. Their GUIs are really simple without being too bare, and the are phenomenal sounding. If you are looking at getting into at-home music recording I cannot recommend their software highly enough.
Our old cat is very ill. I'm giving her 100 ccs of water subcutaneously every day, and she gets some powder on her food to stop her body from absorbing phosphorus too well. She's comfortable, just a little tired. I don't want to think about how much I'm going to miss her. We've had her since she was a baby in 2001 and that means I've had her for pretty much half of my life. Ugh. Death is so unpleasant.
I meant to get around to editing my chapter three for my proposal, but I just didn't I also tried to care and I just don't. I'm going to do it Tuesday after the holiday weekend. Spouse finally has a full weekend AND even Monday off and we're going to power through a bunch of mixing this weekend. We've got 2 7" releases almost ready to go, just have to put the finishing touches on the sound and get the art to a friend.
Anyway, I started watching Dead to Me and I love it and I don't care. I've had a crush on Linda Cardellini since ER and that love has not waned. She's magical. I'll write it up when I'm done with both seasons.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Time
archived: 20 May 2020
tagged: Writing
Woke up mid-panic attack, or as I call it now "woke up." Took a Xanax and slept until 9. Fucked up my whole day as far as getting stuff done so now I'm trying desperately to make up for lost time.
Old cat has to go on sub-cu fluids but that's fine, I've done that before. She's old as hell and her kidneys are failing. But she's chipper and eating a lot and drinking water so I think we'll maintain for a bit longer.
I just worked out and I'm feeling gross so I'm going to go take a fast shower and then try to bang out this song. Or maybe the second part first. Spouse will be sad if I don't finish this song today and I am having a panic attack about it.
Anyway, off to be productive. Byeeeeeeee.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Butterfly
archived: 19 May 2020
tagged: Writing
I got a lot of stuff done yesterday. I rewrote my proposal questions. I wrote and recorded vocals for 2 songs. Once I get this third one done we'll have 2 EP's ready to send through DistroKid and out into the world. I am very excited.
I am trying to make today just as productive as yesterday, despite laying in bed until 7 am cos of PANIC. So far I've done all my IRL and ACNH chores and exercised. I called about a medical bill that didn't get processed correctly cos they used my last name as my first name and so my insurance rejected it??? Imagine a world where I don't have to do this. Oh right, everywhere but the US is that world. Ugh.
Anyway, I'm working on lyrics for this song and it's hard cos I overplayed the keyboard part and now I either have to sing to it or write a new keyboard line to sing to that would be a contra-melody. And I am not a musician. I mean I am, but not like a classically trained one. I just plink around until I find the best sad noises to accompany my spouse's guitars, bass, and drums. Or I guess I could just make up my own melody while I sing? But that is a recipe for disaster. But today's major goal is to get this done and I'd like to do it before noon just because that feels like a nice deadline.
Body/weight stuff here, so like skip it if that's triggering. This is the last part of today's entry.
Before broke my arm I was at my highest weight, which I am not going to write here because...reasons. I didn't mind the weight cos I thought it padded all the right areas nicely. And when you're smol being at the weight I was at meant any fluctuations were pretty noticeavle. Anyway in the intervening time between that and recovering from the surgery I lost 10 lbs. I'm trying to get back to that weight, but with the addition of exercise so that my body is also well-cared for because I'm generally not a work out person and I know that'll kill me faster than anything else. So I've put about half of it back, but my weight is bananas. Like after eating I consistently weight 4 lbs more than before. I have a very strong plateau point and apparently being knocked on my ass and not eating constantly moved it down about 5-7 lbs. I am not saying any of this to complain. I joke that a major reason I will never have a kid is cos I am not renovating a perfect house. Only I'm not actually joking. I'm not destroying this vessel. No thanks. Plus bringing a kid into this world? Fuck no.
Well that got into a weird tangent, but yeah I think about my body a lot and how it only looks healthy cos I don't actually do anything to maintain it other than the things that make it so I'm not dead like feeding it. But I've worked out for almost a week now (not counting the weekend cos I've decided I'm just not going to do that ever). So that's something.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Resist
archived: 18 May 2020
tagged: Writing
I've forced myself to get a lot of stuff done today, though I'm not quite finished with my to-do list. I washed our bedding, took down some recycling that I've been VERY lazy about for A While, tidied up my side of the bedroom (I am a being of pure entropy). I still need to vacuum and dust, but I may save that for tomorrow.
I worked out today doing a 7 minute HIIT routine and did a bunch of push ups which did not hurt my wrist but then I tried to put in a bobby pin and apparently that was NOT the right movement to make with my arm and now my wrist hurts like hell.
I met with my thesis advisor and I am diong okay. I need to submit better versions of my research questions and I'm planning to do that tonight. I also had a good breakthrough with framing my research. So that's good.
I'm gonna go work on music for a bit after I finish this ASMR video. I might also read. For fun. I enjoyed that at the beginning of the pandemic and I'd like to get back to it.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Live & Let Die
archived: 15 May 2020
tagged: Writing
Holy shit it's Friday.
Under "normal covid conditions" that wouldn't matter cos time doesn't matter BUT I had a lot of work things to get done today (I did), and I sent off my unfinished but worked over Chapter 3 of my proposal defense to my dissertation advisor. My spouse also FINALLY agreed to take a menhtal health day from work, which makes me so incredibly happy.
I'm gonna go work on music and maybe play some animal crossing and try to get my old lady cat baby to try to eat some more food. She's not sick, she's just so dang skinny.
Short update today.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Fraud
archived: 14 May 2020
tagged: Writing
This week, like all weeks, has been half disaster, half productive. I feel bad feeling like such a wreck, and not getting things done given that my spouse has to actually go in to his dumb ass job, and has never had the opportunity to shelter safely at home. I mentioned at a mehtal health check in with my university yesterday that the minutes just seem faster, and so it's impossible to feel like I can get anything done and she said it was normal but that also doesn't help. I don't know how to manage my expectations of myself because my expectations are always super high but my output is now abysmally low.
So anyway it's only 07:17 and I am already feeling like the day is a loss. Which is silly. I am going to try to finish this chapter by noon so that I can take a nice shower, get all cute, and get into a dumb staff meeting at 14:00 where I will debut my favorite remote meeting background, the 3D glasses funeral scene from Heathers.
I am spending a lot of time on my YNAB because micromanaging my money is the only way that I can exact any semblance of control right now. It's fun! (But really it's fun. We're SO CLOSE to getting to 30 Days of money age (which is a whole thing that gets to the core of YNAB's philosophy) and it feels like a huge accomplishment. Basically it means we're getting to the point where we're budgeted 30 days into the future. It feels soooooooooo gooooooooood. (Acknowledgement of all the privilege, especially in a pandemic with likely 30% combined under- and un-employment. We are very lucky.)
Oh shit. I also realized I need to do A Thing for work before the end of business tomorrow. But it is also less important than my chapter. So like.....
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Created By
archived: 13 May 2020
tagged: Writing
Wow Wednesdays are podcast-dense. At least for the podcasts that I listen to. I don't listen to fiction podcasts anymore cos I think they're boring; they never hold my attention. It's all politics and science. I'm sure it's great for my mental health. *shrug*
I have such a full remote meeting schedule today and I hate it. Even though one of them is a mental health wellness check by my university. It's just one more thing I have to do. Then a board meeting tonight regarding my work. It's cool, they just want to give our Head Boss the ability to "temporarily" abrogate our bargained agreements during emergencies. Cool.
Our primary elections went off without a hitch yesterday. Almost everyone voted remotely, and those who didn't said that they were often the only voter at polling places. Honestly, I hate our governor, but this went as it should. Democracy was upheld, with a massive statewide initiative to send mail-in voter forms to every person who is an eligible voter but also keeping polling places open for those for whom mail-in voting wasn't an option. Kudos.
I need to finish this stupid chapter for my proposal. I'm almost done. I can do it. If I get it done then I will have two weeks where I can just focus on music. It will be nice. I'm excited.
Today I am forcing myself to work out at 9 am, regardless of how twingy my arm is. Can't build up muscles if I don't work them. I have a friend who is suffering mightily from this same thing (though for different physical maladies) and in both cases it is because we're not keeping up physical activities from PT outside of PT. So this is a thing I can remedy. My surgeon said I can do whatever I want as far as the bone is concerned, so I just gotta do it.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Rabid
archived: 12 May 2020
tagged: Writing
Alamo Drafthouse has Alamo on Demand which is cool not just because it exists, but because I don't have to pay a subscription fee. I just rent or buy. NO MORE SUBSCRIPTION GUILT.
I'm a bit behind on everything today which means it's a day ending in "y." I reeeeeeeally need hand weights so I can finish stretching my dumb no-longer-broken arm tendons back to normal but they are sold out everywhere cos pandemic. And I get it and I don't want anyone working in a dumb hand weight factory. I just also want to work out, but I can't even do basic things like a push-up because I can't extend my hand that far. Life is hard.
I bought a Costco membership because they require people to wear a mask while shopping. And apparently people are canceling their memberships over safety? So now I feel like it's my public health duty to buy a membership and shop proudly while wearing a mask in an environment that is NOT going to give me non-stop panic attacks. Plus they'll let me and spouse go in together and that's lovely cos I don't actually like shopping alone; I always forget something, even when in constant contact via text.
I'm awaiting what is promised to be good news from my workplace after my union put the screws to them regarding violating the end of our contract. They said they were "very pleased" with the outcome and I am dying to know what that means. I'd know what the resolution is now, but my workplace wanted to deliver the information rather than deliver that particular win to the union so that workplace can look ~magnanimous~ which is stupid but I'll take whatever dubs I can get.
I need to finish this chapter. Like today. Godspeed, my lackluster brain.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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The Pits
archived: 06 May 2020
tagged: Writing
I am continuing to spiral. Yay.
Well I mean I got some grading done. And I worked on putting (and then taking off) effects racks on some songs. Lol. My vocal rack is so CPU dense that I can't add it until after we are definitely done recording absolutely everything. Otherwise we get really amazing lag times, even recording guitar and bass through the DI. Hilarious.
Anyway I have another dumb remote meeting today that I don't want to do.
Tornado siren tests are happening right now. I wish it was real. Womp.
I'm in such a state. I actually almost applied to the FBI for an educator position. Alas I am "too old." It's just as well, I would have NEVER passed screening. And I don't actually want to! I've got that really nasty Covid-By-Proxy brain fog.
I really wiosh I could take a Xanax, but my remote meeting would be a disaster and I don't want to get fired. Speaking of which, I should probably do something about my hair. Probably a hat. Definitely a hat. I'm about to just buzz my hair down. It'll be fine, I've had that haircut before. It was cute.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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The Pits
archived: 06 May 2020
tagged: Writing
I am continuing to spiral. Yay.
Well I mean I got some grading done. And I worked on putting (and then taking off) effects racks on some songs. Lol. My vocal rack is so CPU dense that I can't add it until after we are definitely done recording absolutely everything. Otherwise we get really amazing lag times, even recording guitar and bass through the DI. Hilarious.
Anyway I have another dumb remote meeting today that I don't want to do.
Tornado siren tests are happening right now. I wish it was real. Womp.
I'm in such a state. I actually almost applied to the FBI for an educator position. Alas I am "too old." It's just as well, I would have NEVER passed screening. And I don't actually want to! I've got that really nasty Covid-By-Proxy brain fog.
I really wiosh I could take a Xanax, but my remote meeting would be a disaster and I don't want to get fired. Speaking of which, I should probably do something about my hair. Probably a hat. Definitely a hat. I'm about to just buzz my hair down. It'll be fine, I've had that haircut before. It was cute.
Please be safe.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Igualmente
archived: 05 May 2020
tagged: Writing
It is so windy! I open the windows in the morning so that I can get cool air in before it gets warm so I can put off turning the air on. But the wind is sooooo coooooold. I had to close the windows and turn the heat on!
I should shower. I haven't showered since....Thursday? I'm not okay. I am trying. Idk maybe I'm not trying. Maybe I've forgotten how to try. I don't know anything anymore.
I am so distracted. And I can't ever just sit and focus cos there's always Something Else that needs done. Like I have yet another dumb remote meeting today at 14:00. Ugh.
Work is extra fucked because of contract violations and I hate having to sit by and wait for word from my union. I want action NOW. *tries to be patient*
Sorry for the disjointed entry. I'm super scattered today. I think I'm going to focus on trying to write some lyrics for our next 7" before this boring remote meeting.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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Endure
archived: 01 May 2020
tagged: Writing
Spouse's work is finally requiring folks to wear masks while they are on the job. This after a second coworker was sent home because he was exposed to someone who was positive, and after a different, piece of shit coworker said, "Yeah my brother has it, we went morel hunting this weekend." Because it's more important to ship literal garbage to people than for my spouse and his coworkers who AREN'T pieces of shit to be safe and home.
I have a tremendous headache, which is great because I need to work on my thesis proposal. I did this to mysellllllllllffff. Bleh.
In happier news, we have nearly completed the mixes on the two songs going on our 7" today. Just gonna automate some levels on one of the keyboards and then we'll crack into the Waves Abbey Road Mastering Chain . Not today, because it's May Day and I don't condone any kind of shopping on May Day, but if you are looking to do home recording, Waves has amazing deals on all kinds of really awesome recording plugins. We have gotten $2990 worth of software for $410. Absolutely worth it.
Speaking of May Day: please don't shop if you can help it. Even moreso today than other May Days of yore, taking a stand against forcing people to work in the middle of a pandemic is huge. Physical shows of solidarity can be dangerous, and so all I ask is that you do the best you can by keeping your dollars out of the hands of this disugsting corporations. You can find more info on Democracy Now! . Nothing can't wait to tomorrow. Aside from like a utlity or medical emergency. Don't die or let your house burn down to prove a point. Or do, I mean, if it'll hurt a bank and you'll be okay. (Or don't. Don't implicate me in any CRIMES plz.)
Anyway I'm gonna go finish listening to today's Democracy Now! and then force myself to do some fucking writing.
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.