I applied for a corporate job at a corporation that I dislike, but I also dislike every corporation. And then I looked at the possible pay an it's not even good. Not good enough to sell out my beliefs and convictions. And I'd like to say that no amount would be enough, but that is untrue. So oh well it is what it is. If they were to offer me 6 figures I would probably take it. *shrug*
Today at work is boring as hell. I have nothing to work on and WORK-work doesn't start until noon. I am just sitting here listening to podcasts and doing some physical therapy stuff for my wrist. I'm going to hunker down and read and maybe finish up Cyteen. I'm planning to start NK Jemison's Inheritance trilogy next. Or maybe no reading while I work to make up for 2.5 monhts of lost labor on my doctorate. Who knows.
I'm also waiti8ng to hear if I'm going to be doing an additional writing project this summer. I 100000000000000000000% don't want to do it, but I also want to 100% pay off my fucking arm surgery because I live in a capitalist hellscape where breaking my arm cost me $4,650, and that's only because I HAVE health insurance. I hate it here. I hate it here so much. I don't understand how anyone defends living here. It is terrible. I'm fucking LUCKY and it is god damned terrible.
I know this time of year is peak!depression due to the season and the dark and the cold and blah blah but I'm having difficulty. The arm doesn't help. And I'm progressing well. My physical therapist tells me every time we meet that I'm doing better than I should be, that I'm ahead of the curve, but it still fucking sucks. I can't let go of how disappointed I am that I am not where I expected to be as though being disappointed is going to erase this experience. Like, dear brain, you are being fucking ridiculous. My hope is that writing this will alleviate some of my mental pain. Name it to tame it, externalize it, etc. I'm still very skeptical of CBT and mindfulness because band-aids don't heal deep wounds. So I'm just trying to build the substrate to make it harder for this building to take root. Strong foundations to allow shallow treatments to have an impact.
I'm off to do some things. Maybe it'll be a two-post day.
I had forgotten what it was like to get a tattoo. It hurts! But in every way I didn't anticipate and none of the ways I did. But it's done and I love it and now it just has to heal.
I am plugging away at work, trying to get ahead and sort of failing but also not giving a shit about when I am givien unrealistic expectations because life is too short.
I am really excited because spouse and I talked a lot of books with my tattoo artist and I've got the fucking book bug. I want to read all the things! The convo also reminded me that I have quite a few more things that I can add to the consume section of this here ol' website.
Tonight we're recording drums and I'm excited because we recruited someone to do the cover art for our upcoming album. I am really damn excited.
My arm is starting to hurt so I'm gonna cut this short. Monday I get this damn cast off!
An update! In the same week!
Typing hurts like hell, but more because the cast is restricting my wrist than because of actual pain. So it's annoying, but atleast I know my arm is healing and ready to get out there and do great things!
Today I get a tattoo on my neck because I'm a little bit self-destructive but also I don't care and if that is something that holds me back then someone who isn't me is getting wrecked. By me.
Tomorrow we're going overto our neighbor's houseto record a bunch of drums and I am very excited because what has been Sysiphean is maybe tipping into "actually getting done" territory. I forget sometimes that I am good at leveraging people because I don't actually like being a pushy asshole. So I'm being pushy. And shit is getting done.
I talked to my thesis advisor yesterday. She said it's okay that I'm a bit behind due to The Arm, so I'm feeling less stressed in that arena.
I'm about 2/3 through Cyteen by CJ Cherryh and it is by and far the hardest I've ever worked to read a book, and that includes a weekend fly-through of Dahlgren by Samuel R. Delany. I'll post about it thoroughly when I finish it. My goal is to get it done by spring break, so I can focus the break on my doctoral work.
I am working slowly at getting my hand back in useable order. It is tedious. I am very very far behind on everything. It makers me so incredibly sad. I'm trying not to be depressed. It is hard.
I am going to try to do some yoga today. A revised sun salutation so that I can work on how stiff the rest of my body is. My shoulder is tight as heccc and my hips are popping all the time and I do not like it.
Thursdy I get a neck tattoo cos fuck it why not and next Monday I finally get to move from this stupid cast to a removable splint.
I don't know when I'll get back to daily updates, but I'm going to try.