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 Why Are You Like This? 


archived:  30 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

Okay so the Reply All podcast is doing a new series where Alex gets PJ to watch horror films and this is my nightmare, but I love it?

Like, I hate other people's fear. I am not really scared of anything. Except narrow bridges with no shoulders over water. But anything less immediate than that I find completely obnoxious. So this is torture for me because I can't stand how scared PJ is of everything. But I DO love the commentary and conversation about his reactions to it. Idk it's weird. I listen to "10 Things That Scare Me" and now this as a kind of immersion therapy. I spend 50-75% of the time going "that is fucking stupid and you're a fucking baby" and then reminding myself that everyone is different, and that this is to help me to have empathy for other people's fear.

And like I don't lack empathy in any other arena! I don't understand where in my life I learned that fear is so completely loathsome, because I've ALWAYS felt this way. My fears are things like "Oh fuck, I have a deadline approaching and I waited too much." You know, real stuff. Most fears are irrational and I think that's probably why I hate it. Like, I also hate all religiosity and spirituality because they're irrational. And if we're being honest, born out of fear.

So yeah, I'm a prick and I'm trying really hard to not be.

And the thing that's most ridiculous in all of this is that I have an anxiety disorder. Brought on by PTSD from a terrible job. But even still that anxiety is all surrounding work output and inability to meet expectations. Real Things.

And yes I understand that fears are real if they're real to a person but that doesn't make them actually real or rational and that's where my brain breaks down and refuses to take other people's fears seriously.

Idk Idk I'm working on it. Or I'm trying to.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Milestones 


archived:  29 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

We are nearly finished mixing our first 7". Tonight I think we will dig into the Abbey Road Mastering Chain plug-in we got and see how that goes. We've also got a layout designer selected and our art picked out. Wheeeee. I can't wait to get this up and distro'd.

I'm kind of shocked because it's only 7:51 here and I've gotten so much done already? Like I guess this is what happens when you've run out of things to do in Animal Crossing outside of super basic daily chores like watering your plants and seeing which weekly visitor is on your island on any given day.

Yes I know this means I should work on my proposal but all I want to do is watch ASMR or maybe work on my own music. Like I want to reward all the work I've done already today and that DEFINITELY means not working on my thesis proposal. I am such a fool.

Unrelated: I finally looked into Shudder, the horror streaming service. What a damn let down. There is NOTHING on there I want to watch. I spent like 20 minutes searching films I'd love to (re)watch and NONE of it is on there. I miss OG Netflix, when it was all b-horror films and pretty much nothing else. I feel like I say this a lot. But it's because I mean it. It makes me want to start getting discs again so I can rip them to a fictional harddrive just so I can watch things I actually feel like watching.

Anyway I should go. I'm considering re-re-re-recording my vocals on this one song and I need to learn when to just leave stuff alone. Idk Idk Idk. I need to stop being a perfecionist. The perfect is the enemy of the good. And also the done.

By the by, this is my 99th "create" diary entry and I feel really proud of that.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Public Spaces 


archived:  28 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

Well an incredibly stressful work-related thing happened today. It's fine now, but 5 am to 9 am was awful. I have a remot meeting at 10 am, and I expect it to be equally stressful for entirely different reasons. Today is bad and should feel bad.

In good news: I'm 90% done recording vocals for our first single. Then we just ("just") have to mix and master and then it'll go up online. I need to update our bandcamp. I'll do that this weekend.

I was going to say that I was sorry that I had nothing new to say, but I guess recording vocals is actually a pretty big deal. I never aspired to this. It is something I am mostly still not confident about in any real way. I think my lyrics are ~okay~ which is fine. I am trying to not over-think the process too much; looking to fulfill moods rather than worrying too much about being a modern poet in any kind of sense. So yeah, it's kind of fun? I'm also learning a lot about vocal processing and that is a cool thing. I like learning.

I keep having fucked up dreams and it makes me tired. Nothing violent, just emotionally draining. OH WELL.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 There Was a Little Something 


archived:  24 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

The panic attacks regarding my doctorate are not getting better. Three more weeks of work. Just three more weeks. I may just email my advisor and ask her if it's okay if I wait until then and then plug away at my proposal defense.

And I feel like absolute shit about it. Like, I am not doing a whole lot day to day and I don't know how to fix it. I took a Xanax the other night and my dreams were fucking horrible. My brain is brooooooooooooken. I don't like it. Maybe I should seek counseling? It seems bad to do it when other folks right now are in way worse shape psychologically due to the social distancing. I think I'm just going to create a schedule next week and limit my damn animal crossing time. (Turns out I was in fact not burnt out on it.)

Okay so I have a plan. I'm going to, on Monday, start the following schedule:

05:00
Breakfast
Household Chores
06:00
Exercise
07:00
Doctorate Work
09:00
Second Breakfast
10:00-12:00
Variable (Work Work, Music, Doctorate)
12:00-15:00
Doctorate Work

Evenings I'm keeping wide open for time with my spouse and relaxation. I think this will be doable. It's almost noon now, and so I'm going to try to follolw the afternoon schedule the best that I can. Wish me luck!

And as usual:
Keep social distancing.
Wash your hands.
Wear a mask.
Stay safe.
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 Contrasts Between 


archived:  22 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

Stuff at work is obnoxious. There is a scheduling conflict that has an extremely simple fix that will not be pursued, and as a result I am getting straight up fucked. Dislike. Can't wait to have to have 3x the burden as a coworker and get told "It's only fair." I am contacting everyone I can about how the hell this dumb situation even happened, although I know my opinions don't matter and nothing will change. At least I fucking tried.

I met with my advisor on Friday and it went well. I need to get the second chapter of my proposal defense rough rewritten by Friday. Today I doubt I'll get to work on it because I have a ton of remote meetings and I just don't want to. Hello panic attack my old friend.

I think I burnt myself out on Animal Crossing. Lol, whoops. I got my 5-star rating and my golden watering can, so now I can clean up my beach because I don't actually care about my 5-star rating. I just wanted the watering can.

Anyway I'm in a bad mood and I think it's pms and that's dumb and I hate it. Blech.

I'm gonna go work on lyrics and vocal recording.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Fight It 


archived:  17 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

I took the reins of some of my feeling a lack of control by emailing my state legislator to ask if there's anything they can do to convince our governor that we're not doing enough. I don't know if it will make a difference, but these people serve at our behest, so behest already!

It snowed a shit ton last night, like 5" (12.5 cm) even though it was 50F the day prior, it's going to be 50F today, and 70F tomorrow. I decided to shovel all of it because I need more exercise for my wrist as I work to recover my tendon flexibility and muscle tone. I went onto Target's website and there are no handweights available at any size anywhere in our metro area. I got lot of good lifting and twisting done. In a month I can apply that to my garden. And maybe by then weights will be back in stock.

My sister's kid broke her arm and she's being a true member of the family by refusing to accept any help. She's two. She's also in the middle of potty training, which has apparently gone completely off the rails cos her broken arm is also her dominant arm. I am so grateful I don't have kids.

Anyway I'm way over stimulated and that is kind of butts cos I need to settle down and work but bleh. Spouse gets home from work soon and then I have a stupid meeting for work and then I need to run and get cat supplies from curbside at PetSmart and then at 3 I meet with my advisor and have to admit I've gotten nothing done. So yeah. It's a lot. I think I'm just gonna play video games for a sec. Or maybe queue up some more ASMR to try to relax.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Lack of Control 


archived:  16 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

We got that stimulus check yesterday and I immediately paid off our credit card. I am reeeeeeeeeally excited because this means we can go back to putting money into savings and I can finally start future budgeting for those bills that only come up every 6 or 12 months. And, more pressingly, if our idiot governor does decide to do a lockdown, we'll be able to survive on just my income for if/when my spouse gets furloughed.

There is nothing else going on. I play Animal Crossing all of the time because I can't focus. Or maybe I can't focus because of this game. Who knows? All I do know is that I love Bluebear and if I were allowed to marry a resident we'd be married. She is my most precious angel.

I had to restore my phone yesterday which was AN ORDEAL that spanned 5 hours of CSR assistance and then backing up my phone. I do not recommend ever having to go through this. The worst part is how when you are restoring your phone iTunes creates a second copy of your back up as it puts the original back up onto your phone. And that is a FUCKTON of space. I'm still irritated about it.

I'm gonna go watch some ASMR and try to get my life in order.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 The Powers That Be 


archived:  14 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

This week feels like such a bust. I know it's all me. I need to stop making excuses but the fog around my brain due to a complete lack of structure or motivtion is real and unending. I need to find something else to do and stop complaining.

Speaking of other things, I'm rocking a solid 4-star rating for my island in Animal Crossing. It is going to be a long-ass time before I pull off a 5-star because I'm particular about what I put down and where. I know some folks have completely leveled their island and paved it, but I like the natural-ish state of mine. I have one tidy neighborhood for my snooty/smug villagers, and the rest are getting more rustic placement. "Rustic"-ish. I have my cranky off kind of by himself. I put my starting uchi and jock on a cedar plateau tht feels like a forest. My lazy has a straw-fence yard that is also secluded (for him and his bug friends), and then a quasi-park-like area for my normals & peppies. I don't want a City city. I want a nice island getaway. /shrug I do have a garbage corner where I stow all the stuff I'm not going to use but need to get my "items placed" rating up.

Anyway I'm just sitting here waiting for our check from the gubment to come and hoping that my paycheck and this dumb bill pass each other seamlessly at midnight. Bleh.

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 Bogged Down 


archived:  10 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

Nightmares about my doctorate all night. Fun fun fun fun fun fun fun.

I am so trapped in my own head. I reeeeeeeeeeeally don't know what to do. I might take a morning Xanax (which I never do) and just sleep off this anxiety. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Everything is just a lot right now. Like, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I'm sorry I am not doing well. I am sorry that these posts are just me whinging over and over and over. I don't know how to get out of this rut.

You know the drill:

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Curiously Strong 


archived:  09 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

My arm bone is completely healed. I can't believe it! My doctor even said I can start lifting weights again. "Start with 10 pounds and work your way up from there." Like what??? I was afraid to lift more than 3 pounds yesterday. I'm excited tho because she said I am cleared to do things like push ups and yoga and this will all help me get my tendons and muscles back to being stretchy like before THE ACCIDENT. So that's nice.

Our shit ass governor still won't do a statewide stay at home order, so my spouse's non-essential workplace is still open, and everyone is working shoulder to shoulder. Cool to know your spouse is expendable in the greater pursuit of money. We have got to get out of here. Maybe move to New Zealand. Their PM is astonishing.

I was going to say more but I'm so angry I can't brain.

You know the drill:

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Rain-Snow Mix 


archived:  08 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

The weather is peak!April right now, which means 80F one day and then 40F with snow two days later. My poor head. I get pressure migraines and it's dumb and I hate it. My poor poor brain meat.

In other news, I took today off from making masks. I was so fucking bone weary yesterday. I powered through making 5 masks and it was exhausting. I am making these free. I feel like charging for them would be war profiteering. However, it makes me so damn angry when someone says, "Oh yeah I'll take one" like DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE LABOR THAT GOES INTO THESE? Fucking rude. And I can't NOT make one because that's cruel, but also you better believe these folks get deprioritized in my list of folks who get a mask. Like what the hell are people even thinking? I'm not a vending machine. Fucking hell.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor to check in on my broken arm. I hope they say I can move into doing more regular exercise. I wish I could go to physical therapy. I know my muscles aren't strong enough to lift real weights and I don't want to hurt myself trying to do a push up, but I'm in atrophy. My joints pop all the time and that doesn't happen when I'm doing daily yoga and HIIT routines. Sigh. Everything is such a pain in my ass. Or my arm, I guess.

I'm off to go force myself to eat lunch so that I can drown this headache in ibuprofen.

You know the drill:

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Around the Corner 


archived:  07 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

Well I'm halfway through making masks for spouse's department at work. His workplace is non-essential, but we are in one of that dwindling number of states that refuses to put into place a stay-at-home order for non-essential workers. So I'm trying to help out as many people as I can as much as I can. I'm also making a mask for our neighbor across the street.

I'm still deeply in brain fog mode. I am trying. I am trying so hard. So I'm setting tiny goals. And masks take precedence over everything because I don't want people to fucking die. I think that's fair and that makes sense. Next I have to work on my degree. Period. I think it's finally becoming real to me how pressing this is. I know I'm like a broken record on this, but if I don't beat myself over the head with it I'm never going to get anything done. My brain is not my best ally at times.

I'm trying to decide which films I'm going to watch today while I work. I should listen to all of our music so that I can start thinking about lyrics, but I need to not split my attention. Like I really need to focus on focusing. I'm so goddamn distracted all the time and it is making me a mess.

Anyway, I have a departent meeting at 10 and I am hoping to at least have all of the masks cut out by then, if not also have one sewn. That's about 3.5 hours, and I got 3 finished in that time yesterday, cutting and sewing. If I can split this into two batches that would be pretty nice.

I feel like I was going to say something else, but I can't remember so that's fun. Bleh. Anyway, you know the drill:

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Close the Doors Behind You 


archived:  06 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

The depths to which I am overwhelmed are catching up to me. I have 7 masks on the docket for today, and I am gonna do my damnedest to get them done as well as all of my actual work work. I want them done so tomorrow I can work on my doctorate. I actually want to do that right now. Shocking how spreading myself thin makes me want to work more. *shrug*

I have a remote meeting for work at 11 and all I've done is fuck around on Animal Crossing. Well, I guess I did shower. And I did all of my morning chores. I always do those. I really need to file my nails down. They're so long that I'm typing with them more than I am with my actual fingers. I am measuring my time in isolation by how long my un-dipped nailbed gets. Haha.

I've been watching the Alien movies while I work on masks. I'm gonna have a write up on them after I finish 4 later this afternoon. I don't know what I'm going to watch next. I was watching Hannibal, but I owe that show a more dedicated rewatch. I've put it in the background too many times and I want to fully appreciate its beauty.

I think the ramifications of being indoors all the time except to buy groceries is finally hitting me. I guess it just takes longer when you enjoy a certain amount of self-imposed isolation as a matter of emotional security. We went to drop off 3 of the masks I made (contactless delivery, of course) and I felt like I was getting out of prison. (I have not been in prison, I am not making light of prison, this is just my personal approximation.)

I also need to work on lyrics. I wish there was a way to watch movies and listen to songs at the same time while I'm working on masks. I know a brain can't even actually duo-multitask, but I'd really like to be able to do all of those things at once. Please and thank you.

Ooooh MSTeams finally added backgrounds. I can't upload my own YET but SOON. SOON.

Anyway gonna do this meeting and then do a bunch of stuff. Or be so overwhelmed that I just stare at the wall. Whichever.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Stay safe.

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 Altruistic Acts 


archived:  03 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

Working on drying a new batch of cloth so I can get it pressed and then start working on more masks. It's kind of funny cos I have been putting off my doctorate stuff because I'm an idiot and now that I'm pressed on these masks I am now in panic mode about the time I've wasted not working on my degree. Way to stay on brand, my brain.

I am kind of spinning my wheels in animal crossing because I don't want to sink in the work necessary to get my rating up but then if I don't get my rating up I'll never be able to terraform my island. I should just focus on organizing my flowers and trees. I think that will destress that particular part of the game for me, and allow me to think more clearly about the rest.

I also need to work on figuring out lyrics for our band and also how I want to sing and that second part is so hard because I'm not a trained music person and I always just want to sing to an instrument. I dunno. I don't actually even know if I'm bad at it so much as I lack confidence utterly in this artistic arena.

Allow me a moment to divulge in what might seem narcissistic. I am very good at....everything I put effort into. Monday I had never sewn a thing in my life, and that same day I bought a sewing machine and made my first coronavirus mask. I put out an EP of electronic instrumental music with zero musical training. I taught myself html and css. I plant whole huge vegetable gardens because it seems like A Thing To Do. I change car parts and put in light fixtures and fix plumbing. I make midoris from scratch. I crochet. I paint. I write. And none of this is extraordinary. It just needs got done, or I get an itch, and so I do it. I decide I want a terminal degree and I make it happen. I am just SCARED of singing. Scared I'll be actually Not Good at a thing. Hilarious that my terminal degree thesis is about how people who always succeed at everything without effort at the ones who completely collapse in the face of a challenge.

A doctor who treats herself has a fool for a patient.

I'm gonna go make more face masks.

Please consider making yourself and your loved ones some masks if you can.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Stay safe.

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 Cover Your Mucus Membranes 


archived:  02 April 2020 
tagged:  Crafting 

I began making non-surgical face masks yesterday, in light of more and more authorities saying that not wearing one is a bad idea. NOW let's be clear:

Anyway, you can get the patterns I am using  here at CraftPassion . Also here is her silent  YouTube tutorial , which is thorough and easy to follow.

I like this mask for several reasons.

  1. The shoelace tie off makes it so that the mask fits snugly (IT MUST FIT SNUG TO YOUR FACE) and since you can adjust it you don't have worry about elastics being too loose or too tight.
  2. The pocket for a removable nose-wire. I wear glasses and I hate when they fog up. And this way I can remove the wire before washing so it doesn't get all rusty and gross.
  3. Different sizes for different faces.
  4. Fourth: The pocket allows the user to insert additional interstitial materials. The creator suggests a dried out Lysol wipe in lieu of an accordion medical mask.

And believe me when I say this is easy I mean it is EASY. I've never used a sewing machine before. In fact, prior to yesterday I didn't even OWN a sewing machine. My first mask came out perfectly. My second one....I fucked up putting the bobbin in, and then I forgot to anchor the nose-wire pocket. BUT that was me rushing, not anything to do with the pattern.

Mask Front
Mask Side
Filter Pocket
Nose-Wire Pocket

I'm working on making 3 for spouse's boss. I gave her my first one and she wants one each for her husband and two sons. I'm not taking money for them because I think mutual aid is important. It's only a matter of time before we're in shelter in place, and when that happens no one will have an income from which to pay me. Meanwhile my pay is protected by law, so I can afford to do this.

Please consider making yourself and your loved ones some masks if you can.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Stay safe.

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 I Know They're Dead 


archived:  01 April 2020 
tagged:  Writing 

Well I've attempted to sew masks by hand. It's terrible. I'm going to try to use our ancient hand-me-down machine because I can't find the one I want available for curbside pick up from Michaels. I'll probably still need to order thread and bobbins, but that's okay. I did get my fabric washed, shrunk, and ironed, and I cut out my first mask pieces, so really the only thing left to do is sew. I suppose I could cut out more masks, but I'm waiting because if I need to buy a machine having a bunch of pieces waiting is only going to make me frustrated. I should also snag some fabric scissors. My "good" scissors are great, but not for cutting cloth. Woof.

Today is full of things I have to do, which is annoying. I have to do an online meeting with coworkers at noon, a phone interview about virus mutation at 4 pm and sometime in between a different call to help a different coworker troubleshoot some software. I'm already exhausted.

Woof I forgot I had this update open! This day is a flurry of doing nothing but not being able to relax for having so much to do. Not my favorite situation. I'm calling it a day for this entry. I am going to try to clear my head and refocus.

Stay safe and wash your hands!

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