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 Close Out 

archived:  29 October 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Dang I reeeeeeeeeeally hate October.

I have been a disaster, as usual, this entire month. I have gotten nothing done on my thesis proposal. I am behind on lesson planning anything meaningful. I have once again downloaded like 4 idle games onto my phone.

I cannot seem to get a handle on any of this! Ugh!

I asked my thesis advisor for a two week extension on the meeting we were supposed to have tonight and she was totally fine about it, but I still feel like garbage. I have also decided that I'm going to embrace my oppositional defiant tendencies and refuse to partake in a particularly redundant work requirement*.

Wow, I am so distracted I forgot I didn't finish writing this update. I am in such a messy headspace.

I want to disentangle these feelings from this month, but I think at this point it would probably be more useful to just throw it in the dumpster and start fresh with November 1st on Friday.

*This requirement is not actually in my contract. So I'm not going to do it, and I'll go to my union if it becomes a fucking problem.

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archived:  19 October 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Welp, I have officially turned in all of my paperwork to transition from "doctoral student" to "doctoral candidate." The only step left is to become "doctor."

I have felt super sick the last 2 days, but then I started my period AND ALSO I've been taking some meds without water (even tho the label suggests copious water) so clearly I've done this to myself.

Things at work are frustrating, but it's the kind of frustrating that I can either allow myself to be frustrated about or just work through it. It's not terribly inconveniencing, just mildly, so my reaction is all really on me. (I've been in situations where it was all bullshit, and my massive reaction was warranted, so I feel comfortable labeling this as definitely Not That.)

Completely unrelated, and much more positive:

I bought myself a Jazzmaster this week. It's ~just~ a Squier, but it's a Classic Vibe and has all of the specs of a mid-range Fender and it is NICE (sometimes you pick up a guitar and you can just tell you're getting more/less than you're paying for and this is definitely in the MORE column). It's Olympic White, which I think is incredibly dull, but at least it isn't black! (Black guitars are the most boring, IMO.) It has a beautiful tortoise shell pick guard, and I got a lovely avocado green strap for it.

I also picked up an Earthquaker Gray Channel pedal. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally love fuzz, and while this is technically an overdrive, the green channel on the germanium setting is fuzzy af. Like, peak!Siamese Dream fuzzy. It is so good. I love it.

Olympic White lefty Jazzmaster with Avocado Strap
Earthquaker Gray Channel Pedal
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 Grifters & Liars 

archived:  18 October 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

I am always amazed at the lengths that people will go to for a grift. I mean, I guess I get it from an economic standpoint; you are poor and you don't want to be. But I also look at all the people they're bilking and I just think they're monstrous. They are not operating in a vacuum. They are gaslighting and manipulating people in pain in order to be disgustingly wealthy.

I am speaking in particular about all the woo grifters; in particular the Long Island Medium. How this woman turned a massive con into an empire isn't suprising, but it is nauseating. Spirituality grifters are the most foul of them all.

I did find myself wondering aloud yesterday just how much money she'd have to offer me to go on teevee and pretend to be emotionally devastated by her lies on broadcast television. The answer is probably about $250,000. That would cover my student loans as well as the costs of moving out of this country and settling into a home that I would then not owe payments on.

This also makes me a part of the problem. Because I would be perpetuating her lies and her pernicious feeding on the open emotional wounds of others.

Capitalism is a fuck.

In other news, I got into a heated argument with a coworker about the not-at-all subtle white nationalist shooting range on the edge of the city. I'm not linking to or naming them here. Just know they use that classic white supremacist double-8 in their name.

I have a tremendous migraine and I'm having a quasi panic attack thinking about some paperwork I need to finish for school even though it is 100% not a hard thing to do. I did my classic distraction practice and downloaded a fucking idle game again even tho I know better.

I just need to remind myself that being a mess is more work than just getting the work done. Come on resolve, let's kick into gear.

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 Dig Dig Dig 

archived:  17 October 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Hello my poor, neglected, online journal.

I don't even know what happened.

Okay that's not true, I totally know what happened. I fell into that despair pit where I downloaded like 10 idle games on my phone and spent every waking moment making sure I was distracted so I wasn't thinking about anything. I even knew what I was doing when I did it, but I did it anyway.

As compared to the past tho, it only took me a week (10 days) to get over myself and re-delete all of the games and try to make sure that I was trying to be in the present moment.

I still struggle to find balance. I'm more and more seriously considering "downgrading" to a simpler phone all the time. I am pretty sure that when I'm done paying off this one that is what I'm going to do.

I can either allow myself to fall into pits of distraction, or I can do something about it. So I'm doing something about it. That makes me feel powerful; or at least in control. And I like that. I would like to get a LightPhone. It should be available on the regular market by the time this contract is up. I just wish I could get it supported through Credo. Heck, maybe I can?I should call and ask them.

Today is day 2 of parent teacher conferences, and it only just started and I'm already exhausted. I've got a cold sore and I'm trying to be diligent and take my Valtrex 5/day so that it gets gone faster. I've taken 3 so far, so I am doing a good job. I figure another at dinner and then one before bed and I'll be good.

All that being said (and it was a lot) I am actually feeling pretty good. I have to attribute at least some of this feeling to the fact that I typed up this entry. Isn't that weird? Ha.

Anyway, I'm going to work on some stuff for my doctorate, and in the mean time I guess I'm just gonna look for a game or something to play on my computer so that I'm not bored. I don't feel like breaking out a paper journal right now. Mostly because I don't want anyone to walk away with any of my fancy, erasable pens.

So I'm gonna try really hard to be more consistent here. I felt really good in September, and I know part of that was checking in here regularly. So here's to me and taking care of myself.

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 Death Month 

archived:  09 October 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

I try so hard during October. If you look at my entries from last year you notice that there's a pattern. September and even August are pretty strong. Then I fall apart in October and who even knows what happens in the 10 intervening months.

This is a season of dying and encroaching darkness and it is just so hard for me. I do not like it. I do not want it. Every year it is harder.

I DID manage to send 2 very important emails this morning, and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I also need to put together a schedule for completing my dissertation proposal, and my eye is on the end of December as a finish date. I'm going to work on that later this afternoon.

I also need to work on my living space not being in disarray. Key signs to my unhappiness are always untidiness, procrastiation, and a penchant for distraction. I am recognizing these things and rather than being mad about them I am trying to work through them.

The biggest test will be the cross-pollination of October and hormonal upheaval later this month. This is it. This is going to be the time, the FIRST time since I was 14, that I am going to prepare myself for the emotional tumult rather than waiting for it to befall everyone and wonder why the fuck this is happening.

I can do this.

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 Best Laid Plans 

archived:  02 October 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Stuff at work is so frustrating. Not my workplace directly, but from the folks who have dominion over what I specialize in. I tried really hard to do this first unit the way they wanted it done and IT FUCKING SUCKED. I can guarantee you if you asked any of my students what they learned in the last 2 months they'd say, "Nothing" and they'd be right because what we were given to work with was trash.

So I'm not following their garbage guidelines anymore. I'm going to do what I need to do to prepare them for high school and it's going to be fine. I can't waste an entire other quarter running myself ragged while teaching them absolutely nothing. No thanks.

I'm looking at the next unit of stuff and it's trash. Mine is better. Mine they actually learn from. So fuck it.

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