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 Expert Expectations Management Systems, LLC 

archived:  30 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

We made it through November! Hooray!

Yesterday I ordered.....a bunch of stuff from Bungie for myself for Xmas. I would have ordered a lot more, but a lot of items were temporarily unavailable. That's okay, that means I saved some money (for the meantime anyway).

I have been very lazy this break from work, which was by design. I am very tired. On the upside, I am feeling pretty refreshed. On the downside, I haven't really done a lot of work on anything for my doctorate, and my living space is kind of a disaster mess. These are both easily addressed tho, so I'm not too concerned about it.

I'm really distracted and I think it's because I haven't done a whole lot this weekend. My brain is trying to keep my in protestant work ethic mode, and I am trying very hard not to live that kind of life.

Anyway, I am going to go clean now. Spouse had to work today because capitalism is bad and he works at a garbage factory (only somewhat not literal) and everyone is ordering loads of stuff from them cos ~holidays~.

Speaking of holidays, I've been super down on Xmas and I've decided that while I do think it sucks, I need to do two things:

  1. Learn to manage my expectations better.
  2. Get into the spirit, at least superficially, cos everyone around me enjoys it.

Neither of those things is difficult. I grew up watching Lisa Simpson and I am Lisa Simpson, so managing expectations comes with the territory. I am in continuous need of keeping a lid on my negativity, and so this can help with that as well. This is not to say I've bought into toxic positivity, because I have not. But it does mean that I know what my tendencies are, and if I name it I can tame it. Save the anger for the people and things that deserve it.

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 Techs Arcana II 

archived:  29 November 2019 
tagged:  Art 

It has been A MINUTE since I've worked on anything creative (outside of this website). Yesterday, aside from cooking for The Foodening, spouse and I got a bunch of music recordings sorted into tidy new folders, and prepped for drum recording. Which of course made me want to work on my own music some more. (For reference, I am  corporate//astrology .)

I thought of the name of my next album/ep (I haven't decided on length yet) a couple of days ago, and I really really love it. So I dug through a bunch of my old pixel art that I made back in 2015 for this new set of songs, just like I did for my first EP.

Want a sneak peak? Let's go through the process.

Here's the original piece (there are actually 5 flame repeats, but 3 was sufficient for what I wanted). Followed by the animated gif I made using  PHOTOMOSH , and finally with text.

Animated Gif
Finalized Art

Anyway I think it turned out pretty awesome, and I like how different it is from the first release while maintaining the same feel. Me gustale mucho.

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 Techs Arcana 

archived:  27 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Wow. I caught myself about to post a really vindictive and petty thing about a person that I barely knew and haven't interacted with in probably 10 years.

Now, the "wow" is the "I caught and stopped myself" part. I am vindictive and petty as a matter of upbringing, and I am working to not be. It is not easy, but hey, that was a huge breakthrough just now!

Today I washed all of our pillows from our bed. It was An Endeavor. I used  this blog post  as my how-to and it worked really damn well. The only thing I changed was using half a cup of bleach instead of a whole cup. I bought concentrated bleach, and the bottle said "1/2 cup per load," so that's what I went with. I haven't washed our pillows in a disgusting amount of time, so I'm feeling pretty god damn domestic right now. Between this and cooking for 3 hours tomorrow, I'd call myself a regular Emily Post. Minus all of the dumb etiquette stuff like thank you cards.

I got a filling replaced today, and I finally got all of the glue from my defunct retaining wire removed and my mouth feels like a million bucks. Or like a regular, not-full-of-garbage mouth. Whichever, I'll take either one. I talked to my dentist and he steered me clear of Smile Direct for teeth alignment and suggested  clearcorrect  instead. Apparently Smile Direct has been the subject of many lawsuits, and he personally doesn't like them because you never actually interact with a doctor. So I'm going to be persuing that soon cos my teeth aren't perfect and it makes me sad.

Nothing else to report. I'm almost childhood-still-enjoys-xmas levels of excited to cook tomorrow? I think the spreadsheet I made is making my brain turn this into a bigger deal than it is. As my brain is wont to do.

I'm still mulling the idea of adding a "now playing" feature to posts. I'll probably do it. The main thing holding me back now is that I don't want to link to YT, and linking to spotify is problematic cos not everyone uses it. Or I could just list it and then if y'all wanna find it, go dog go. I'm also considering adding a "here are some interesting articles I read today" section. Cos I read lots of articles and then they get lost to time and that makes me sad.

More on that (by which I mean, those ~features~ will roll out when I'm ready, but they'll probably be set at the bottom of the post, since they aren't about intra-site organization the way the archive and tags are.

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 Shake Shake Shake 

archived:  26 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Two updates in one day? I guess that makes up for missing yesterday.

Anyway today was good. I got my Dr Martens and they are oxblood red, vegan, and super cute. I have to relearn how to walk in shoes that go over my ankles tho, so that's a whole thing. I am going to order the chrome blue pair after payday so I can pretend I'm being fiscally responsible. (Also because I'm keeping an eye on some ebay auctions of a collectible thing and I'm willing to drop Too Much Money on one that is ending on thanksgravy day.)

Tomorrow I have to figure out how to gently tell a friend that their obvious lack of commitment has delivered them from being a part of an artistic project. Or I have to decide if they deserve gentle. Because we've been being dicked around for over a year and I'm too old to wait on someone who never once ever has prioritized this thing, which is the single most important thing to my spouse.

I'm trying very hard to not be angry or vindictive, but angry and vindictive are all I have left to feel.

I am not going to end this on a down note, so I will instead talk about how our drummer has been amazing; working his ass off to finish recordings, and pouring a lot of time into helping to mix down drum tracks so that we can get this first album off to the proverbial presses and get cracking on the next set of songs.

It reminds me of how, when I got a new boss I said, "Sometimes you don't realize you're in an abusive relationship until you are out of one." Meaning my old boss was a terrible person and my new boss isn't. Working with our drummer gives me new-boss feels. Working with the other member of our group gives me old-boss feels. And that isn't okay.

Time to cut some cords.

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 A Hurricane in All Kinds of Weather 

archived:  26 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Yesterday was such a whirlwind that I didn't get a chance to update. Because I guess I'm officially in the headspace where I want to/look forward to making a post every day. It feels good!

I got my Thanksgiving food prep guide completely set up, which allowed me to put together a shopping list of things I was missing. This turned out to be super fortuitous because the weather is supposed to go to shit starting today, and originally I wasn't going to shop until Wednesday morning.

So we ran and got groceries. Then we went to our drummer's house to grab our computer stuff so we could work on music things this weekend. We saw a nasty wreck on the way back; I hope everyone involved is okay.

Lastly, we went to Dietz to get "one last" guitar pedal and somehow I lost my lime green erasable fineliner. Woe betide me. I tried to survive it, but I ended up running to Target this morning to replace it cos I was so bereft. I'm kind of a mess, but that's okay.

All in all we didn't get home until 6 pm which is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper late for me. I usually eat dinner at 4, in bed by 7:30, asleep by 9. But that's okay. I like that we got a lot of things done and that everything was productive and successful.

I'm also super hype cos my red vegan Dr Martens are gonna show up today and I'm gonna finally have nice, long-lasting boots that fit right! If they work out as well as I hope then I'm ordering the blue chrome pair.

I've made massive progress on getting a bunch of work prepped for after the break, and I'm super stoked about that. Having less to do later by planning now is really nice, so it turns out. I gotta apply that to my doctoral work. Speaking of which!!! I got my enrollment codes yesterday so NelNet can suck it, they're not getting my money this year! Muahahahahahahaha!sob. I owe so much moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

THe weather is supposed to get really shitty really fast this afternoon and my workplace decided not to call off work early and I'm really hoping that was the right call cos I just want to get home and snuggle up and not have to worry about the drive home. And I'm worried about ye olde spouse cos he drives waaaaaaaaaay farther than I do and I just want us to be home.

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 My Hope 

archived:  24 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Not only was today a really good day, the whole weekend was really good.

Yesterday we worked on a preliminary mix on the drums for our first album and in a couple of weeks we'll finish the job. I'm really excited to get it sent off to get mastered! And we've got a general notion of the art we might use for the cover, so that's good, too. Wheeeee!

Today we grocery shopped and tried making a vegan beef stew for the first time, and let me just say it turned out AWESOME. Tho damn having to wait 8 hours to eat it (we made it in the crock pot) was TORTURE.

We used celery, leeks, carrots, potatoes, onion, stewed tomatoes, some fancy jarred red peppers, this pretty wicked vegan broth, and some gardein beefless tips. Seasoned lightly with celery seed and parsley. And like, I'm pretty sensitive to when stuff needs salt (*cough* the entire menu at Modern Love *cough*) but this was perfect just with the flavor from the broth, the stewed tomato juices, and the jarred peppers (their infusion included garlic).

I also ordered a pair of vegan Dr Martens. They're red. I ordered them because Journeys gave me free shipping and a $5 off coupon. If they fit right (which they should, I tried on a different size 5 in the store as well as a 6 in the vegan pair. The 5 was snug, but workable. The 6 had my heel slipping the whole time) I'm ordering those amazing chrome blue ones straight from the Dr Martens site. It's bougie, but like I need decent boots and I know these will last forever. Plus VEGAN DR MARTENS.

We also Marie Kondo'd our roleplaying games again and came away with almost $200 in cash. It feels so good to get rid of stuff. I'm gonna do another Kondo mini-sweep of our living space Wednesday when I'm off of work while Jake is at work. And probably Friday as well.

Tomorrow I'm sitting down in the kitchen after work and taking stock of what I still need to be for Foodsgiving: The One Day A Year I Cook. I feel like I have 75% of everything I need for everything I make, so I might as well make sure so I can do a super super early morning run on Wednesday before the stores get completely bananas.

I'll post about Dragon Prince season 3 later, but let me just say it was DAMN GOOD.

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 Retaliate First 

archived:  22 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Today was weird.

Like, I went to bed last night SUPER manic. I don't think I'm bipolar, but I do think I'm hypomanic, and I was definitely in an upswing.

Today I had that same energy, but I also had a hair trigger. I got into several arguments at work, all of which I was in the right about, but arguing is not something I usually do because 1) it undermines relationships, and 2) I feel like an ass afterward.

I don't know what's going on with me right now. It's harder for me to gauge my moods than normal because my IUD is making everything weird cycle-wise and I don't actually know where I am, which means anticipating my mood swings along with my hypomanic swings is a bit like trying to hit a gnat with a toothpick from 200 meters away.

Wow. I just legit fell asleep for an entire hour just sitting here. I think I'm going to cut this update short and go to bed.

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 Reactionary Movement 

archived:  21 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

I'm working on keeping it positive today. I've got everything prepped for working with some fire today. Yep literal fire. Good times!

I'm feeling pretty good about the next 3.5 days of work (the rest of today, Friday, Monday, and Tuesday). Everything is also prepped in that regard, and I tried out a new thing yesterday that went over well.

That being said today is my toughest day of the week, and I've already got my de-stressor neck wrap on, but I'm doing it as a preventative so that I can be chill when the work actually starts (right now I'm still in my plan segment).

Saturday we're gonna work on mixing a bunch of drum tracks and I'm super super excited and it's gonna be good. I'm gonna finish shopping for the one day a year I cook. Not out of a sense of holiday, but because I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally love cooking the vegan feast version of comfort food. I bought a pre-made vegan pumpkin pie, but I don't trust it, so I'm gonna make a from-scratch sweet potato pie as well. And let's face it, sweet potato pies are like 100000000000000000x better than pumpkin pies, that's just facts.

The weather is colder today, but hey at least it's not raining.

I'm excited to get home and get snuggly. I think I might actually settle in early so Jake and I can chill (real chill, not slang chill) and watch a movie. I want to relax and spend time with the person I like the most in this whole world. I'm emotionally weary and while my happiness light has been helping, human contact helps more. It's part of my love language, I suppose.

Completely unrelated, Jake sent me this amazing article about  childhood psychopathy  and I'm linking it here because I don't want to lose it.

I don't know that anyone actually reads this, but if you are, I suggest you check out the article. It's mindblowing.

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 There Are Some Things You Can't Hide 

archived:  20 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Holy shit today has been an amazing day.

It makes me sad that I have such a hard time with some of the people I work with. Wednesdays I don't have to see them, and as a result it is SO damn chill. I'm not hurting physically, I'm not exhausted mentally. I'm just in a damn good mood.

My good mood might also be attributable to the fact that I got my chapter rough drafted and sent off to my advisor yesterday. It's not great? But it's done and edits are way easier than working from scratch. I already know about 10 things I would fix, but I'm gonna let sleeping dogs lie until she gives me her feedback.

I was able to just sit back and work on all those things I need to get done and never have time for during most of my work day today. Fuck it was so nice.

Tonight I am going to make sure that I go for a walk with Jake. We haven't gone on a walk in so damn long and it is so damn nice out and this is supposed to be the last nice day before autumn starts behaving more like late autumn, which I suppose is fair, we're two months in now.

I've been a bit more lax with my Xanax use. That isn't to say that I take it all of the time, but that I'm being more mindful of when it would just be helpful to wake up feeling refreshed and without a stone on my chest. Which means I'm also forming the ability to look beyond the current moment and plan ahead, and emotionally this has never been a strong suit for me.

I've been toying with the idea of adding a "now listening" tag to my posts, but I'm hesitant because I can't, in all honesty, go back and put it on my old posts, and I have a hang up about uniformity. It's silly. Maybe I'll start doing it and damn the torpedos. People update and redesign all the time, and this could just be a new addition and that's okay.

This weekend we're getting together to mix the drums for our record before sending it off to be mastered and I'm super-bummed because Jake has to work Saturday beforehand and if the other two members of our little musical quartet flake he's gonna be crushed. I hope I can rely on them to follow through. It's really hard to have it in the back of your head that someone is just not going to be reliable. It makes me not want to do anything with anyone ever. Because what's the point when people flake and always prioritize everything else over you?

SO I've resolved to stay positive and go forward believing that everyone will just do the fucking thing because they said they'd do the fucking thing.

Tonight after our walk I'm gonna play so many video games and I am so excited. Destiny 2, I haven't spent time with you in like 4 days and I am SO SAD. Lemme fix it.

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 Take Precaution 

archived:  19 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Some days the only thing that gets me through to closing is knowing that June through August I get to pretend I live in a post-capitalist future where the only things that drive me are creative endeavors I'm actually interested in.

Today is one of thoes days.

I feel like I started strong, but my energy sapped really quickly. I'm not sure why. I have my happiness light on. The weather is frankly 10x more gorgeous than it should be for the back half of November. I am all caught up on bills. I ordered a t-shirt from Bungie that I got as a reward.

I'm just stresssssssssssssssssssssssssssssed.

I mean I know why. This doctorate is killing me. It doesn't help that I read a massive research study on how crippling doctoral work is, but how we all think it's good that we're killing ourselves in this pursuit.

It doesn't help at all.

I'm redoubling my ASMR tonight.

Right now I'm going to re-heat my neck warmer/destressor and crossing my fingers that that will help.

Pray for Mojo.

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archived:  18 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Today has been good so far. I got all of my grading done, and I'm pretty far on my rough draft for my methodology chapter for my thesis proposal.

Tonight I'm going to work on finishing up my rough draft for my advisor so she can take a look at it before the long holiday weekend next week. I think It's shaping up to be pretty decent. In other haps, I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Getting my classes ready for some projects, and finishing up work in that arena.

I'm irritated because I was reading the side effects of Valtrex and two of the most common ones are irritability and an inability to focus. This sucks because I super need to focus. But I also super need to take my Valtrex because one of my body's lovely tells for overwhelming anxiety is cold sores. And I'm overwhelmed and anxious because I can't focus on this fucking paper. Hooray for feedback loops. Getting that chapter's initial dust off done tonight is going to help tremendously, I think.

I'm still trying to keep up with practicing mindfulness. I don't really like  calm dot com , it's too regimented and I feel like garbage if I don't "keep up" with daily practice. So I'm back to my own practice techniques of just taking moments to breathe, posting here more regularly, and burying myself in ASMR videos. And honestly? It works pretty well. Those little 30 second breathe in/breathe out videos are phenomenal at getting me to just calm the fuck down without my mind wandering or my attention being dragged off, which feeds back into my negative feelings of being unable to focus blah blah repeat ad infinitum.

I am trying to decide whether I want to ditch Hulu or not. I know that it's owned by Disney. I've always known that. I guess the separation of names has made it easy for me in the past, but that's not really a good excuse. Right now everyone is so obsessed with stupid Disney+ and it just reminds me that I'm not living up to my own ideals. So I have to remind myself that I need to watch stuff when it airs. I mean, there are worse things, right? Or I can just go back to the old days of yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like being a part of the machine of letting terrible people do terrible things.

So many of my friends have resigned themselves to "that's life in capitalism" and they just don't care. And I think so much about that line from Deep Space Nine when they are trapped in the 2010s and everything is awful and Bashir comments on how he can't imagine how people forgot how to care, but here we are. And it makes me so sad. But mostly angry.

I have some soul-searching to do. I have a lot more unimportant physical things in my life that I need to purge. I need to do some digital housekeeping as well.

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 In the Wings 

archived:  17 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

We sold a bunch of stuff that was just sitting around gathering dust. Adios to my PS2, a bunch of video games, a bunch of ancient toys, and a bunch of dvds.

I'm doing pretty bad at focusing on my work because I just don't care. Which is not good. I'm watching a short ASMR and then checking a load of laundry, and then I am getting to work whether I want to or not.

I settled on a kind of peach-y color combo for the "back to top" links and I think they look nice. So yay, I got that done.

I deleted a bunch of game apps off of my phone, and I'm probably going to delete a couple more. Honestly all of them except for Egg, Inc, which takes almost none of my time, and the Mario games because I never feel burdened with having to play them to "keep up." Tho maybe that is a sign I should delete them as well. Who knows.

I missed the opportunity to buy a Shadowkeep collector's edition box on ebay for $330 yesterday and I'm salty because now the ones that are listed are all well above $500. I'm trying to be patient, but I want it SO BAD. I'm hoping some more will get posted on Monday and this time if I see one going for less than $400 I'm snagging it.

All right I'm almost out of "relax" time before grind time so I'm gonna finish this ASMR video and then get back to it.

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archived:  17 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Overhauled the ol' website.

I decided that having the date in the title line was ugly, so I moved it to a line below, and reflexively linked it back to the archive. I also did this because I wanted to give more of a reason to view the archive. Before the only mention of the archive was the sidebar link, and it seemed odd that the tags were linked on each post, but the dates weren't similarly formatted. So that's fixed.

I also added a "Back to Top" link at the bottom of either every post, or archive/tag section. I am not married to having them be the same link color as the page, because it makes it look like the "Back to Top" link is just text, but I also don't know what colors I'd use for those links. I used pink, yellow, orange, green, blue, and purple already, as well as using brown for the 404 page, and I don't like red, and I don't think black and white would look good. Idk Idk, I'll probably end up going with red cos it's the only thing I haven't used yet. We'll see.

I'm still hung up on how I have formatted each post in the archive and tags. I don't mind that they don't match; there's no reason to list the tag when it's in its proper tag section, and the archive needs the actual day date. More I'm just not sure if I like that the tags posts are separated by commas while the archive gives each entry its own line. BUT I also kind of really like it that way? Like I said, I'm hung up because I don't necessarily think the formatting needs to be identical on both pages, and I do feel the archive is more formal than the tags list, and I think that the way the entries are separated give credence to that feeling.

Anyway, I've wasted 2 hours of time that was supposed to be dedicated to my methodology chapter for my thesis proposal, so this afternoon (after we take a walk cos it is SO NICE OUT and eat lunch) I am going to have to buckle down for real real, because I promised my advisor I'd have it done by Monday.

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 Flat Circles 

archived:  15 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Posting the same series of complaints, trials, and tribulations every day is boring. So I'm not going to do that. I don't like reading it and why would anyone else? (Though I guess reality teevee is a bajillion dollar industry, so maybe I'm just the oddball here.)

Today the weather was beautiful, reaching almost 60°F/15.5°C, which was super welcome indeed, if about 20°F/12°C below my preferred baseline temperature. When we had a week of barely reaching freezing, I'll take this mere sweater weather with grace and gratitude.

I am sorting out some stuff at work that I don't like. Sometimes I forget that there are things that I do not like that I am fully in control of changing. So I'm going to change them. And I am excited for it. This is me, taking the reins and fixing a problem. Bueno.

I want to work on my Spanish more, and so I'm trying to set aside some time to work on that each day. If I can throw away a good 30-60 minutes a day on something as mind-numbing as Idle Miner (don't ask, I go to bad/wretchedly inconsequential places when I'm overwhelmed and procrastinating), I can put that time to good use.

I struggle tho. I struggle against this really awful and pernicious Protestant mindset of deriving self-worth from work. I don't want to be that person. I think this is a huge part of the reason I'm drawn to predominantly Catholic countries for The Future. The pace of life will be slower because fucking Protestants haven't convinced everyone that the only way to salvation is to work yourself to death. If I have to live in a country with a religious bent (which is all of them, basically) it might as well be one whose ethos I don't find intolerable and cruel. (In this specific instance. Plus there are way more Catholic-leaning countries that also lean socialist, and why am I making an argument against an imaginary reader. Ha.)

I have friends that are trying to get me to join dreamwidth and I am just not interested in social media of any kind. I didn't throw off that yoke to take up another. I don't care if the motivation is good, in the end it's all the same blah blah blah and grouping of people and I don't like people grouping.

So why keep an online journal at all?

I like honing my coding skills. I joke and call it "artisanal hand-coding" but I also kind of mean it. I would never trade on that tho, because it sounds like some hipster appropriation of a thing that other people have worked long, hard hours and years on and that is gross.

But I do like being able to look at my growing list of entries with a sense of pride, accomplishment, and fulfillment. I like being able to look at posts and say, "Oh right, I meant to talk about/do a thing, I should get on that."

Record keeping is nice and good and I'm really proud of this little site I built. The art is mine, the coding is mine, the words are mine. And it makes me happy. It's for me. That it's online is merely a receptacle. I suppose I could just save this as a series of html and css files on my computer, but I do enjoy the ease of being able to access this anywhere so I can update it or even just do edits. And if I ever did want to share it with anyone I can send a link. So win-win.

It's 7:15 pm here and I am god damned exhausted because standard time is the suckiest of the time systems and I will hold to that until it is once again the superior daylight saving time, where the sun and I get to be besties for up to 15 hours a day. Keep those days close and sacred. At least until I move someplace closer to the equator, where daylight is never in short supply. Fuck off winter, fuck off darkness, fuck off cold. No me gustale nada.

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archived:  13 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

My meeting with my thesis advisor last night went really well. She's good at helping me to keep things in perspective. Today was very peaceful and I made some mental progress on clearing space for my doctoral work. I can do this. I can get it done.

I then met with my grant advisor and got all worked up all over again. Turns out my workplace is....a pain in the ass when it comes to approving and allowing research. Which is fun??????? I need to start reaching out and making contacts now before I'm fucked out of a whole 'nother year of work. And by work I mean "getting the hell out of this country."

I didn't do a whole lot today outside of work. Which seems silly when I'm thinking about everything I need to get done outside of work, but like, I just need a damn break sometimes. Or all of the time. Or to never ever ever do work ever again. Idk. I just want to rest. Permanent rest.

A writer I greatly admire recently moved to France and her experience of the slow life there makes me so jealous.

I think I'm going to gift myself some Xanax sleep so that I can come at tomorrow, my least favorite day of the week, refreshed.

Sometimes popping pills is self-care, I suppose.

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archived:  12 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

I am working diligently on my proposal. Well, I am trying to. Now that I'm forcing myself to look at it I am still painfully overwhelmed, BUT I am trying to make tiny inroads in as many places as I can. One thing is for certain I have so much god damned work to do. It's my own fault. But I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore?

I have a meeting with my advisor tonight and I'm going to tell her how overwhelmed I am with everything, but that at least I have a plan now. She is so understanding and kind, I hope she won't hate me for this five-week impromptu mental sabbatical.

I am still feeling a bit of a malaise, but it is a malaise that is more melancholy than world-ending. And that is nice. I can deal with that. I mean, I would prefer that I am just happy, but that isn't going to happen in any real sense until I am finished with my doctorate and firmly ensconced in a country that isn't this one, and that doesn't have winter. At least, not where I end up living. No more dark dark dark days. No more cold cold cold cold.

In the good news column: I won access to the grant that paid for the first three years of my doctorate, so I won't have to pay for next semester. Well, aside from the late fees that always accrue because my district refuses to pay for stuff on time. Not ideal, but I'll take $80 over $3,000.

I suppose I should look into additional educational funding opportunities, but honestly the idea of writing Yet Another Paper makes me nauseous. Maybe this summer. Maybe not. Who knows.

I am going to keep this brief because I do need to get more work done before I talk to my advisor tonight. Mostly scraping together random bits and pieces to create the shoddiest of frameworks (What's the rough draft of a rough draft? Garbage draft? We'll call it that) to show her that I've done SOMETHING, if not much.

I promise to check in again soon!

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archived:  10 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Somehow November is already 1/3 over. Not quite sure how that happened.

Turned 39 on Wednesday, which was honestly lovely. Had a tremendous amount of avocado rolls, inari, agedashi tofu, edamame, and sasadango that evening. The weather was nice, which I always appreciate at this time of year.

Overall the week did that thing where it was both interminable but also way too fast. The stuff I wanted to be over just dragged, and the stuff I needed time for didn't get touched. This pattern is not sustainable.

I have tried all day to make headway on my proposal and all I've done is work on formatting. Which, while important, is clearly just me wasting time.

It is supposed to snow tonight, preceded by freezing rain. I am trying not to get my hopes up about a snow day, and realistically I know it's not going to happen, but I so very desperately NEED the time to work on my paper that I'm getting irrationally hopeful for one.

Tomorrow we're going to the Galaxy Quest movie party, which I am excited about, but that also means I will have zero hours to do more work on my paper after today, and I am so tired I don't know that I'll get anything done today AND I am meeting with my advisor Tuesday night.

I dug this hole and now I have to deal with it and I do not like it. Blech.

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 The Diving Bell 

archived:  04 November 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Well October is finally over. Thank goodness.

I am dealing with the suffocating pain of having Daylight Saving Time pre-empted by "Depression Hours Cos The Sun Is Going Down At 4 PM Time" and it is not the best?

I wake up every morning feeling like I can take on the world, and by the end I am so damn tired I can't bring myself to do anything useful or productive. I am getting farther and farther behind on my doctoral work and it is not good. This morning I was gungho about putting together a timeline to make sure everything is getting completed and now I just want to curl up and die. Tho that could be the nascent migraine I can feel behind my eyes. Who can say for certain?

I am trying to find equilibrium and it is hard. It is always hard. I already know I am not going to work on anything tonight because I have a meeting after work and I'm gonna be too tired to do anything by the time I get home.

Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are going to be here on Friday and I can't make it to that because I know there's going to be a line forever and I get off work right when the doors open. Plus doing the whole crowd thing seems like a lot. I don't know. I don't know what I want. Everything seems like a waste of time except the things I purposefully waste time on which definitely means I am depressed and overwhelmed.

If you can name it you can tame it, so that's half the battle, right?

I have a small goal to try to post every day, and I kind of failed at it from the "start in November" standpoint, but dates are arbitrary markers of time, and going forward if I do it every day starting now I still started and then did the thing. So that's good.

I think tonight I am going to delete all of my games off of my phone. Good riddance. But like, maybe after I play them for a couple more hours. Baby steps.

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