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 Keep Moving 

archived:  31 August 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

Today has been a busy day, but one that has been productive and I think overall good.

I haven't made visible headway on my lit review, but a lot of behind the scenes things have been accomplished.

  1. I finally verified all of my sources on my references list with the bulleted list of notes I made
  2. I have 47 sources, 12 over the minimum requirement
  3. I have them all tagged with which sections of the lit review I need them to appear in (some of them more than once)
  4. I finished rewriting my abstract, my organization section, and the section about how I obtained my data
  5. not a whole lot else, but it should make the rest of this go a lot faster. I hope.

Other news: we found a copy of the Eclipse Phase GM screen at Half Price Books, and we didn't even know it existed. And we got it for $4.

Other other news: Jake Marie Kondo'd the fuck out of his guitars. He now has his Jazzmaster, his Bass VI, his bass, and a second, back up Jazzmaster pending some commission sales. It feels so nice to be rid of things that we aren't using that someone else could benefit from. And to not have to spend any actual money on that back up is a godsend.

Another thing I've been up to, and entirely unrelated to the happenings of the day is cutting out my OTC allergy meds. I have been having horrendous ringing in my ears for the past few months and I recently read that one of the side effects of Claritin is ringing in the ears. I've been taking it for almost a decade, and so I doubt I'll be able to reverse the damage, but also maybe???? All of the research said it would be at least 3 weeks before I would know for sure. If not, my doctor said I just need to be mindful of when the ringing goes from "annoying" to "I am not hearing things" because the sooner you get hearing aids after that, the better. (Apparently the longer you wait, the harder it is to adjust to aided hearing.) Getting old is a fuck, y'all.

In the vein of updates today that are all over the place, let me just say I think I'm finally out of the woods regarding breaking with social media. It's been over a week (has it been 2 already???) and I feel really fucking good. I'm still having a helluva time not going to my phone constantly, and so I'm reevaluating if I should maybe delete all of these games on it. I think I might just keep Egg, Inc and ditch the rest. Idk. It's distraction that's turning into work (I have a lot of games that have rewards on timers, and it makes me stressed to think I'll miss getting items and that's a BAD WAY TO GAME). It's triggering all of my addictive tendencies. Hell, just thinking about it, it's obvious that they've got to go. That was actually easy.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to crank out at least one more section on this lit review before I go to bed.

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 The Eternal Struggle 

archived:  30 August 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

I am staring down the barrel of a 40 page paper. It is due in 11 days. I have been struggling because I am at 0% urgency, but 95% dread.

The funniest thing about all of this is that the behaviors I am exhibiting are 100% exactly what my paper is about: approach-avoidant behaviors in smart students. Or it WOULD be funny, if my identifying the emotions and patterns was translating into any particularly powerful output of work.

I keep telling myself that there are a litany of reasons, and by reasons I mean excuses, and by excuses I mean the flimsiest of lies about why it isn't getting done.

I wish there were cognitive behavioral therapy for this kind of thing. Right now I'm trying to put into place all of the interventions I've researched for my own students for myself. But the problem is that even though I know I'm approach-avoiding, and even though I'm assiduously putting strategies into place, I am still deeply in the fallacious headspace of "I have loads of time and I work better under pressure."

As though I didn't take a day off last year to finish a paper at the last minute.

All of this being said, I'm not going to work on it today.

Today was rough at work for myriad things that in and of themselves were not annoying, but in totality were A Lot. And I got new shoes ( bougie new shoes ) in a bisexual color scheme, and I'm still getting used to them. And I got a haircut and I don't know if I like it or if I even care if I like it.

Today has just been a lot.

I do feel enough about the paper that I know I'll just feel guilty if I play video games all night, so I guess there's that. I think that setting myself up to definitely work on it starting first thing tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain all day, so I know I'm not going to want to go outside, and that will help a lot with my inability to stay indoors when it's sunny and nice.

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archived:  28 August 2019 
tagged:  Music 

I suppose now is a good time to mention I make music!

I actually have 3 music projects, but this is my solo endeavor. It is called  corporate//astrology . It's, I dunno vaporwave-y, gloomy, drone-y, synth music.

I love it. I hope you do, too.

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 End of a Long Respite 

archived:  27 August 2019 
tagged:  Writing 

It has been a very very very long time.

I am rapidly approaching the end of my doctorate. After what feels like forever (3 years), I am in the closing phases. My lit review is wrapping up in the coming weeks, and then it's all research, writing, and hopefully a successful defense by this time next year.

I have taken stock of a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot of  KonMari  with the things in my life. I purged and donated a LOT of clothing. Jake and I purged yet more books from our collection. And I did something I never thought I'd do: I quit all of social media; or as I've decided to start calling it "fast web."

You can only be so tired of people behaving so poorly for so long before it is all just too damn much. I thought I could weather it, that I'd be one of those "I fought the bastards and I won" but the more I thought about it, and read research about social media in general, the more I realized I was not only inviting an endless stream of toxicity into my life, I was literally breaking my brain.

I'm still in the opening stages, where I keep reflexively picking up my phone and then wondering why it is that I am looking at it when I no longer have a reason to be compelled. I come from a wealth of addicts and while I was lucky enough to sidestep the physical addiction arena (for what I know. Cigarettes never "did" anything for me, and a healthy fear of what I've seen my relatives go through has kept me out of the rest), but damned if I don't fall hard for digital addictions. I still have to suss out what this means for me and video games, but honestly for the most part I start to feel really disgusted with myself when I know I'm playing video games as a distraction, so I think I am doing okay there.

So, why aren't I working on my literature review that is due in 14 days? Well, part of it is that I do still miss an online outlet for my thinks. I have a physical journal, but I'm bad at keeping up with it. THIS I was bad at because I'd just post what I was thinking every five seconds to mastodon without taking the time to craft coherent or cogent lines of thought. I miss that. I miss being able to write longform, and doing it for pleasure. Part of overhauling the site today as well as making this post in the face of a looming big project was to stretch my attention, focus, and writing muscles. And I think I'm doing okay.

I'm going to be okay. And you are, too.

It feels good to feel this good.

I've made a lot of changes in the past two weeks since returning to work, and almost all of it has been focused on how to redirect my frenetic, manic energies into immediate actions that will spare me long-term stress and anxiety. It seems so obvious, but goodness was it not. Not for a long time. Not since I had a nervous breakdown and spent five years recovering from PTSD from a year in hell I could not back out of without incurring massive financial penalties and protracted financial loss for myself and my family.

But I really am feeling okay now. For the first time in almost a decade. My chest doesn't hurt. My heart doesn't hurt. I'm moving at my own pace, and I don't feel like I'm letting anyone down.

Tomorrow I am going in gangbusters on my paper. I've got a strategic plan for it. I'm EXCITED for it. I am going to be okay.

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