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|| July 2021 ||  >> June 2021 >> 


 Being Sent 


archived:  29 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Thurrrrrsssssdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Got some ~interesting news~ regarding mode of work. Not gonna get into specifics cos where I work is my business. I'm ruminating on it tho. Like whoa.

I am very ready for the weekend. I have some weeks that are just a lot more people facing than others and I am damn exhausted. It's good tho. I like showing the fruits of my efforts.

We're finishing polishing the EP. Goal is to have it out in July, which it's only the 29th so there's time. Haha. I'm excited. It is v good.

I feel like I had so much more on my mind, but this week has been so busy and I've felt kind of bleh all week because I caught a cold for the first time in 1.5 years and I am already the world's biggest baby when I get sick. So yeah.

Anyway, be well, and we'll see where my head is at tomorrow.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Gentle Sounds 


archived:  28 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Today I feel much better. I think we both just had a tiny 24 hour bug? After 1.5 years of illness-free living due to face masks and interaction restrictions it's a real damn bummer to realize that getting sick is a Whole Thing That Happens. Dislike v much.

Spouse is doing his online orientation for undergrad this afternoon. I am so excited for him to go to school again. The two biggest hurdles will be sitting down with his advisor to see what he can take and getting him to quit his job. Golden handcuffs are hard.

I also need to contact the estate attorney to ask about a couple of things. One of which should be awesome if it turns out how we expect (unlikely), the other more tedious (as all red tape tends to be), the third a thing that I just keep forgetting to mention but have planned for, and that's okay.

I guess I am boring today. That is okay. I'm gonna go get some work done and then see about doing some Headspace yoga.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Doesn't Sit Right 


archived:  27 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I feel sick today. I don't know what I did. I do know that Jake felt sick yesterday, so I probably got it from him. We're both vaccinated but with Delta taking off like a rocket I can't help but wonder wonder wonder.

Today is a long day at work, which is fine, but I'm feeling pre-tired about it. At least all of the stuff I have to do ensures that this week will go quickly.

I can tell I'm in PMS mode cos I'm just irritated. More than usual. And I run at a pretty high level of irritation on a good day. I'm gonna go do a quick meditation and then log into work a bit early so that I can get stuff done.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Clandestined Genocide 


archived:  26 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Welp today is back to work after a week off. I will say that returning to work is so much nicer when it's done from home. I know I talk about it a lot, but I so desperately do not want to go into our building. I just don't. I am doing so good at home. I am super productive, our home is in great shape, I am 50% less a ball of stress. I have no commute. Like, none of this is revolutionary. I know loads of folks feel the same way, I just, I'm sitting here, slowly prepping for the day and it's just SO NICE to know that the only thing I have left to take care of is logging on in a bit over an hour. Ah well, we'll see what happens. I'm also starting to job search. I love my workplace, but I am tired of cutting myself off from the possibility of happiness out of misplaced senses of loyalty. I have needs. I have stated them. I don't know that my workplace is truly ready to be a flexible workplace. Which is a real pity.

We watched the new He-Man this weekend. It's fine. It's no She-Ra though. That series was perfect. We also watched the first season of Miracle Workers. It was perfect.

I think we've got our new EP mixed down. Gonna take one final pass at it this week and hopefully get it out before August. Our album is nearly finished, I just have to do vocals for one more track, maybe redo another, and then that one will be ready to release IN August. We're looking into different pressing options. We're thinking vinyl/cassettes depending on the length of the release. Tho 10" EPs are pretty cool. Idk. Vinyl is just SO EXPENSIVE because you have to have the master plates made in the initial pressing. And to be real I don't know that we'd ever sell past an initial purchase of 50 or 100 in short runs. Tho I'd happily be wrong!

Anyway I do have an hour left before work, I think I'm gonna go take a crack at a couple more moons in Super Mario Odyssey (I only have awful ones left to collect el oh el) before logging into what is probably 1000 emails.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Killing Youth 


archived:  23 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Sometimes I think it would be a good idea to save all of my lyrics someplace other than just a notebook. I am not precious about my lyrics. Hell, I don't even remember most of them after I've recorded them. It's not that they're bad. They're good. Sometimes they're even great. I am just not Big Ego about this. I am Big Ego about plenty of other stuff. But still, like if our apartment burnt down or some crazy shit it would probably be smart to have them in The Cloud somewhere or something. At minimum it's something for me to think about.

I got my nails done today and they are so cute. They're a light coral and I love them so much. Back when we owned a house I wanted to have our siding done in coral with teal shutters. Then we sold our house. Oh well. Now I have coral nails and it makes me smile.

We are in the mixing/mastering phase for the new toadlilies EP and I am very excited to get it out. I also have just one song left to write lyrics and record for our the album that will follow it. Sorry this is a short update, I'm trying really hard to get that all finished before the end of my week off.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Delivery Complete 


archived:  21 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Logged into work yesterday to find a thing that was SUPPOSED to be handled in my absence was not being handled. WELP. Took care of it. Will deal with the fall out of signing off with "I'm out of the office, I'll respond on Monday" on...Monday. I don't even care. I wanted it handled on Friday and a thing that was out of my hands wasn't so I had to do it during my week off. Whatever it's done and no failure to deliver or communicate can be placed at my feet.

Unrelated and much more exciting is that I'm done recording vocals for our EP. And I have a delightful problem. I got a new, better mic and now all my vocals sound weird. Hahaha. So now I'm trying to figure out a new mix-rack approach that doesn't make it sound like I'm "singing through a toilet paper tube" to quote the spouse. Good problem, honestly. Plus doing music production on our new machines is just so sliiiiick. Like everything just loads so fast and clean and easy.

I wish I could stop waking up with panic attacks in the middle of the night. I don't know what's causing it, but I guess that's why my doctor diagnosed me with generalized anxiety. Just generally feeling terrible all of the time for no good reason. Bleh.

The green onions I bought and then felt bad for and so planted are doing really well! I harvested a TON and I still have So Much left. V delicious. And they're so productive! Hooray for plants.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 One Number Off 


archived:  19 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I am finishing up getting our new laptops set up. The practice of running updates, installing apps, and making sure everything is loaded and appropriate and that aesthetics are in place is so soothing. Idk it's just really nice. Plus shedding things that we didn't really need is also nice. Plus I forgot how much I just really love a laptop. Portability is such a gift. I can sit on my couch and internet all day if I want to. Lovely, truly.

This weekend was good. We actually ate food. In public. With friends. It was weird. Also weird that it's been 1.5 years since the last time we did that. It was nice, tho. I guess we can just be normal people again. I really do understand entirely why the entire world developed collective amnesia regarding the last global pandemic. It was weird and bad and while I thoroughly loved being locked down as far as work goes, it is nice to be able to get out and do things. Maybe just make it so that I can work remotely forever tho please.

I have this week off work and I'm simultaneously relieved but also like nervous? Like I could not give a fuck less about not being at work. Emotionally I'm very comfortable with being gone. I'm less comfortable with the fact that I'm going to be playing so much catch up on next Monday. Proud of myself for begging off and taking the time, though.

I thought about getting up at 4 am today. Especially since Hello decided that would be a good time to get in a fight with Mysterious Tokyo, but I ended up sleeping in until 6 am. Which is fine. I have things I can and cannot get done today and I'm taking the time to carve out and treat those things which I can accomplish and if I have room for other things I will get those done as well. I have noticed myself getting distracted by things like wanting to start sourdough. I need to focus on what needs to be done first. Like this EP and album. I owe that to spouse.

Anyway, the sun is wonderful. I'm going to go sit in it and soak it up.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Called Odyssey 


archived:  16 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Woke up with a migraine and blerhghghergdsf

Realized I accidentally ordered a thing twice because keeping track of purchases, even while I'm deeply invested in budgeting is apparently SO HARD. I need to make better use of the memo section on YNAB so that I can search the specific item to see if it had actually been ordered. Stupid pre-orders. This is exactly like how  a bunch of people ordered seeds during the pandemic and then forgot and then got swept up in a panic that resulted from how all our brains took a shit early in the pandemic . Whoops. Anyway the company is one I really love supporting so I hope very much that they can refund me for my oversight. I was very thorough with order numbers and dates and, presuming the shitty international shipping company they use hasn't packaged up my 2nd order, they should be able to help me out. Who is the company?  Fria Ligan . They make wonderful tabletop games and don't work with rapists despite massive outcry from the outset from their writers and workers *cough* D&D 5th edition *cough* and I highly recommend their products.

Today is my last day of work before A WHOLE WEEK OFF. I'm gonna make so much music. My BIG PLAN is to knock out a bunch of stuff for  toadlilies  and then maybe MAYBE finally get around to working on a second EP for  corporate//astrology . It could happen folks, it could happen.

I woke up feeling crummy but I think this post has helped me to go from feeling icky and slightly out of control to feeling better and more in control (also copious ibuprofen, just so damn much, but don't worry within the parameters identified by my doctor for taking for migraine).

Happy Friday.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 The Good Good Stuff 


archived:  14 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I mostly fixed Spicetify on Spotify. Work in progress. lol

I am all like "fuck yeah this week is almost over" but also like "oh fuck I have so much shit I need to get done before the end of the day on Friday" and so I am skresssseddddddd.

In better news, our new computers are on a truck from Ontario. Tomorrow they should be here and that is awesome. I actually really enjoy doing things like getting programs installed and everything digitally sorted so I'm really excited to micromanage some stuff on brand new machines. I might be history's greatest monster.

Woof, I was enjoying some ASMR but now my current machine wants to run an update. Womp. Better get that done before work.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 No Echo 


archived:  13 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Countdown, 4 more work days until I have a week off. I am so god damn ready.

I irritated with a few streaming platforms because I went through a lot of work to indicate certain things about this album of songs we just released and Spotify, YouTube (hilariously YouTube Music has it right), Tidal, and iTunes all failed to appropriately label the songs. Thanks, I hate it. As per usual, I entreat anyone reading this to interact with our music on  bandcamp  because we actually have full, direct control of everything. Our distro for ~streaming services~ is fantastic, but there's still having to actually deal with the platforms. Which are less awesome.

I feel like I had other things to talk about but I can't remember because I'm irked. Which is honestly just the subtitle of my autobiography so oh well.

I ordered new computers yesterday. I need them to get here posthaste so that I can figure out what cables I need to snag from BestBuy so I can get them up and running.

Ideally I'll have everything set up and prepped before next week so I can focus on All Music Production All the Time.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Help Sell 


archived:  12 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Happy Monday. Next week I have the entire week off and I am so excited. Trying to temper that against how I just bent my entire thumb toenail backward. It is unpleasant. Womp.

I did all this work to get  spicetify  onto my computer cos I wanted to have a light-theme for Spotify on desktop and now it's stopped working and I am far too lazy to figure out why. Probably the og app had an update and I just need to reinstall it but ugh. That is way too much work. I like to tinker, but I don't want to have to do it every 3 days. Oh well.

I think I'm going to rework this here website to also be more light-theme-y. I'm aware that I have to be mindful of accessibility and so I am gonna make sure I don't accidentally make the text too light on a light background. Basically I'm thinking to set the background color as the foreground color, and change the background to be that many shades again lighter. I think it will be cute. I would like to rework the background image to be similarly light, but I did that art on google sheets and I have since deleted the source. Idk. We'll see. Maybe I'll do an entirely new background altogether. Change is good.

I just remembered I need to put gas in my car. Gonna go do that before I have to be at work.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Kneeling Over 


archived:  08 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Good morning.

I am tired. I am very ready for a week off. *stares longingly at 2 weeks from now*

I am thinking about buying all the stuff to do gel nails at home. I'm not sure tho. Part of why I get my nails done is to relax and let someone else do it. Which also makes me feel gross. But also nice. But also but also. Idk. I'll probably end up buying the stuff. Then I can change my nails all the time. I'm gonna think on ittttttt.

My new glasses haven't come in yet. Maybe today? I would like to pick them up today. Or I guess this weekend is also fine. I can't believe it's Thursday. Tomorrow is payday, which is nice in an abstract way.

I'm feeling restless today in a way I don't care for. Not that I ever particularly care to feel restless, but it feels especially icky today. Idk. I've been nursing a migraine for 2 days and I think it's just because of constant pressure change (lots of rain and then heat and then rain) and it makes my brain sad.

I guess I'm feeling okay. I look at our YNAB budget a lot. It brings me comfort to micromanage it. It just feels nice. Idk. I need to pull the proverbial trigger on ordering a couple of computers and I'm skressed about it because 1) I don't want to spend money, and 2) thinking about installing all of our music recording programs and moving licenses makes me want to cry forever. Peak first world problems but here we are so :shrug emoji forever:

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Many Many Times 


archived:  07 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I have spent a lot of my life very angry. Now I am just very tired. Yesterday was exhausting. I have no interest in being angry anymore. I just want to be content. Hell, I'd settle for just not-upsettedness, to be honest.

We were supposed to have received a letter yesterday and it never showed up and now I'm vexed that it didn't get delivered and it had a check in it and that sucks. But I'm not mad; I'm just tired.

I have to run a training in 1.5 hours, I think I might go lay on the bed or maybe play a video game for an hour. Or maybe I'll read a book. The internet makes me tired. Plus if I'm at a computer I'm likely to just go "eh, might as well work!" which is dumb as hell.

Anyway, I'm gonna go focus on my breath and work on relaxing.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 No One Wants 


archived:  06 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I was listening to an  interview Chelsea Manning  recently and she said, "No one wants to hear you complain." I have been thinking on it a lot. About how she is right. I feel like all I do is complain here. And it is for a variety of reasons both superficial and deep. A lot of things just aren't great and it feels like unloading it into the void of the internet is the way that causes the least harm. But is it actually helpful? I don't know. As something for consumption I am sure it is boring. Or maybe it sounds petty. Or maybe it is a way for the reader to think "hey, nice, my life isn't that bad" or something else entirely. I don't know. I just know that I don't think it is helping me any more, if it ever did.

I'm not going to turn into one of those toxic-positivity blogs, because ew. That way lies woo. And QAnon. No thank you.

But I do think I'm going to try to refocus and channel into something more constructive. I can note things. I can give them space. But I don't need to let them drive my entire life.

Because truth be told I am painfully sad. Just sad beyond the measure of the word. But what is making me sad is beyond my capacity to fix. And I could moan and complain about it, or I can acknowledge it. Acknowledge that I have no power over it. And I can wash over myself the understanding of what I can do and the limits of it.

So I am profoundly sad.

And that is okay. It is okay to be sad.

I am doing what I can to help fix it in the way that I can when it isn't actually my burden.

I have been having panic attacks non-stop since Friday. My chest hurts. I can't stop them. I can medicate, and I have, but that relief is temporary because the real source for all of this is not me and it is not mine.

It's really hard to find boundaries for feelings. It is harder still to teach my heart and my head those boundaries. And so my chest just hurts. It hurts. Every minute of every day. Even as I know that it's okay to feel it and recognize that it's not my fault and that this is just the byproduct.

I wish I could stop the byproduct. I am trying to stop the byproduct. I am building up gentle fortifications and understandings and recognition and just warmth from within.

It is very hard.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Determination 


archived:  02 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

So. I decided on a lark to change everything on my phone and computers back over to light mode and....I love it??????? YMMV, obviously, but it is SO MUCH BETTER. *shrug*

I'm just really embracing things that are light and airy and make me feel good. Tho now I'm cranky that Spotify is dark mode only. OH WELL I guess my life is to just always have an axe to grind.

Still fighting with the utilities. Or I guess I should say it is before the start of the business day so we haven't yet begun argument part 2.

I'm very glad it's Friday and that I only have to work a half day. I'm excited for a 2.5 day weekend.

I don't have much else to add. Hoping for positive movement on the utilities front, and for continued good progress in all other arenas.

I am striking a, what people might call, Normal Human Balance with the news. Namely that I'm still getting all of my podcasts, but I'm not looking at social media. Again, I don't even HAVE social media. I would just lurk and doomscroll. And it's not healthy and so I've stopped. Trying to stay strong on that promise to myself.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

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 Drift Away 


archived:  01 July 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

You ever wonder to yourself "What if The Smiths, but with a woman singer?" Like, same exact singing style, same exact sadboy lyrics? Have you listened to Echobelly? No? Well, there you go. 1000000000% The Smiths.

We are so close to having everything squared away and now one of the utilities here is all "Oh, you don't own the house and the investment firm who bought it won't take on the utilities transfer? Well fuck you, you are paying until they do" and I just hope our attorney burns them to the fucking ground. To. The. Ground.

Otherwise today was good. Handling stuff, getting close to the weekend. Tomorrow I only have to work a half day and I am very grateful. I need time away. From everything.

I've been doing the little headspace meditations every morning and it's helping. I'm less quick to anger aside from that bullshit with that utility today but even that I'm like "fuck it we'll figure it out and I am paying jack shit and I do not care."

Not caring is nice, sometimes.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

GET VACCINATED.

Stay safe.

 back to top  //  main 



|| July 2021 ||  >> June 2021 >>