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|| February 2021 ||  >> January 2021 >> 


 Getting By 


archived:  24 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

It feels like 3000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 years since my update 2 days ago.

I am so fucking tired.

Everything at work is like 85% on fire.

MiL is back home and we are setting her up with in-home hospice care.

I'll update again when I am able to put together coherent thoughts.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Windfall 


archived:  22 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I am having a helluva time getting my ass into gear today.

Yesterday morning at 6 am MiL FINALLY said she wanted to go to the hospital regardinbg a thing that has been persistent for over a month. So we were trying to get the car heated, snow shoveled, and everything prepped and she fell and we ended up calling an ambulance. Which, honestly, was better for all of us because the roads were absolute shit.

She thinks she's going to get to come home today but I know that's not true. The problem isn't stabilized; they would be remiss if they let her go before it is.

I'm trying to mentally prep for her not coming back at all.

So yeah. This weekend ended up accidentally being a lot.

Also I had my first real nightmare in my entire 40 years last night? I did not care for it, thanks, let's never do that again.

I'm gonna go try to record another song for  toadlilies  next album before I get to work. (I just had a meeting scheduled for 5:30-6 pm so fuck it I'm starting work at 10 am because that's horseshit.)

Speaking of new music, did you see that both  toadlilies  and  love & sleep  had February releases? You can find them via their sites or our label site,  Oh My Golly! Records . As per usual, I would request and recommend interacting with/purchasing our music via  our BandCamp  if this is a thing that is economically viable for you.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 The Most Sophisticated, Adult Thing 


archived:  18 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

It's spouse's birthday today! He's 43. I'm kind of bummed cos a thing I ordered for him isn't going to get here until tomorrow. Womp. Dammit.

Prepping for his birthday I was like "let's tackled a bunch of shit and whew I got a ton of stuff done this morning! Like even though I started on all of it "late." If late is even a real concept anymore. I mean like, I'm at "work," I'm logged into my work computer. But thanks to my bougie  multi-monitor KVM switch , I am also on my personal computer and updated this here website. So yeah whatever.

Anyway I'm proud of myself so here is a list of what I did.

So yeah, feeling pretttty great.

I also volunteered to help a fellow doctoral candidate with their APA for their references page(s) cos THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF RESEARCH. I am not joking. I LOVE formatting information correctly. Truly I am history's greatest monster.

I got tasked with making a video for work so I'm teaching myself Camtasia tomorrow. I also got a nice reminder that I am useful at work cos ... well anyway, it's just nice.

I am in this not really great headspace where I feel like I don't deserve my job and I don't know how to not do too much without feeling like I'm sneakily doing nothing while getting paid a lot of money for it. Idk my brain is doing too much at every second of every day.

Gotta go switch laundry into the dryer and then get into one of 5 meetings today.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Today's Another Day 


archived:  17 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Today I get to yell at my former employer because I never got my W2. I waited until end of day yesterday because even though legally I'm supposed to receive it by Feb 15, that day was a Monday bank holiday, so it was only fair to allow yesterday (Feb 16) even though I KNEW it wouldn't show up. This is probably as much DeJoy's fault as my former employer, but I don't have DeJoy's phone number. el oh el oh el

I'm constantly changing up the way I approach YNAB. I think I'm going to roll our 6-months out buffer into a separate category. I was physically budgetting all of those months, but there are constantly changes, like when Netflix decides to charge more, or how car insurance changes a little bit. One category as a pool of approximately 6 months of bills money might be better. But also maybe not? I don't know because true expenses are residual. Generally I budget that all together kind of sort of. At least in the space it takes up in my brain. I'll figure it out. I'm not worried. Actually I think " talking" through it on here clarified some things for me. Good deal. Haha.

Time to "go" to work.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Viral Chant 


archived:  16 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

It's kind of amazing how much happens in a day AFTER I update. Lol

I did get three songs' lyrics recorded so that's nice. I would have gotten 4, but the city is doing planned outages to preserve power in the grid. Not for ourselves, but because part of our consortium is all the way down in Texas and they lost power cos their natural gas wells froze over. !!!!

This polar vortex is some shit, y'all.

Anyway, I have 5 more songs to record for our next toadlilies album, but I don't like the way I structured the vocal melody for one of them so it's gonna take me a minute.

I have been staying completely away from all of the social media I used to lurk because politics is terrible here and there is zero I can do about any of it other than have a fucking heart attack. I also deleted a bunch of games off of my phone. I am distracted constantly and it's a problem.

ALTHOUGH speaking of video games, I did get the first week of missions done for the new season of Destiny 2 in a mere 2 days and I'm very proud of myself. But I don't think I'm gonna leave it down the the wire in the future. I was running strike and battlegrounds frantically this morning trying to get ONE MORE UMBRAL ENGRAM to focus before the weekly reset. Ha.

Anyway, I have to actually work today. I should probably go get prepped for that.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Three TeeVee Movies 


archived:  15 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I wrote so many lyrics yesterday. Now I need to get them all recorded. I have one song that is going onto a collection of remix/remasters that will be a new song. Think like "Wild Boys" on Arena, by Duran Duran. Then I have lyrics for an entire other album.

I am also trying to catch up on a bunch of weekly quests for Destiny 2 cos I'm a monster and it's the only thing that I enjoy.

I talked to my advisor and I'm definitely not working on my thesis for a hot minute. Yes, I'm out the tuition money. No, I don't care.

I have a headache almost every day because it's so hot in our house. It's so hot in our house cos MiL has lost a ton of weight due to chemo and she's always cold. It's fine. I'm not mad or begruding. My head just hurts. A lot. All the time.

Welp, gonna go see if I can get a song or 4 recorded before the reset at 11 am CST in Destiny.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 love & sleep - "other places" 


archived:  12 February 2021 
tagged:  Music 

So we put our new  love & sleep  EP, "other places" out yesterday. It is currently available on  bandcamp . You can find it and all other releases from our label  here  as well links to all of our artists on our  label's website . The EP has also been submitted to  distrokid , and so should be available on whatever all streaming services y'all use.

Here is a cute widget for the new EP.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Fraught 


archived:  10 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I spent an hour arguing with our new insurance because they don't want to cover my spouse's anti-seizure meds. He's taken them for literal decades. I have to follow up with them today. He is out today. I'm going to burst into flames maybe. I guess we'll see!

I'm doing early shifts tomorrow and Friday at work and I'm pretty stoked about it. I like early shifts. Makes it easy to peace out early. Wheeeee.

I did...absolutely nothing to my left ankle yesterday but it started hurting every time I flexed it and it still hurts today and IDEK what to do. Like, it hurts to do everything that requires me moving. I do not like it. I'm trying to stretch it slowly at different points to try to get it to stop being so tender and terrible. Blech. 0/10, do not recommend.

I thought I could hardwire my work laptop, but it turns out Macs are absolute trash and connecting a fucking ethernet cord doesn't actually ensure that you can access wired internet????? I cannot wait until my Windows machine shows up.

Welp, that was a lot of complaining, but honestly I'm feeling pretty okay. Definitely not at the levels of anxiety and terribleness of the last month. So that's nice.

Oh and my W2 from my previous employer STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP. They have until 2/15. Which is a holiday. So I guess 2/16. Ugh.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Food & Drink 


archived:  09 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Had an emotional breakdown and then some helpful words from my cohort mates. I'm just gonna not do a whole lot with my thesis this semester. I don't care. My advisor also said to just relax and deal with real life. So I'm feeling a huge weight lifted.

I feel like I had a lot more things to talk about but I don't remember any of them. It's fine, I suppose.

I should really hardwire my work laptop but the idea of running YET ANOTHER ethernet cable through my house makes me irritated. If/when we ever move I'm going to demand that every room has a damn ethernet outlet or 2 or 3. In my office I need one for my personal computer, my work computer, and my PlayStation. Need. I am trash.

Maybe I'll do a second update later today. I'm pre-tired this morning.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Please be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 As I Said 


archived:  08 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Welp today is weird. I just have a lot of stuff I need to get done and I have to take the day off work probably and I don't actually know how to navigate doing this? Fun.

In other news we are almost done with a new  toadlilies  single as well as a new  love & sleep  EP. That will be nice to get put up. Just gotta get good mixes on the toadlilies fare. L&S is done except we need to figure out song order and also song titles. lol womp.

I'm struggling with getting my school stuff sorted. Just a lot of paperwork I don't think they should have access to but oh well. Adulting is utter bullshit.

I'm angry and I'm tired. I'm going to go do absolutely nothing 100% on purpose. Fuck it.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Please be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Any Other Way 


archived:  04 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Tomorrow is payday. Yay. Yay for payday.

Gonna just take a breath and hope I haven't shared too much with a coworker but I was feeling vulnerable and she seemed amenable to listening. Oh well, can't put that toothpaste back in the tube either way.

Still trying to suss out how to drop out for the semester. What a nightmare. I should just call the office of the registrar and cry. I mean, honestly that's 100% what I'm going to do. It's fine. It's also effective.

I hate that Spotify has these dumb horoscope podcast things. No, that's not right. I don't hate it, I hate that I can't make it NOT SHOW IT TO ME. Like, I think it's dumb. I don't ascribe to magical thinking. I should be able to mute this bar. Oh well, I guess.

I'm having too many feelings today. I don't care for it. I'm gonna go get back to work.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Please be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Only Giving 


archived:  03 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Dropping classes should not be as difficult as BSU makes it. Jesus H. Christ. (I presume the H stands for Hank.)

I spent an hour trying to figure out why my work computer wasn't working with my KVM switch and wouldn't stay on in clamshell and womp womp it came unplugged from the powerstrip. I always think I'm getting better at "check the easiest point first" and lol nope. At least it's squared and I'm not out any $$ to replace my charging brick.

Anyway today is nice. Tomorrow is supposed to be bad. I am working on convincing spouse to stay home. Now that his pay is...mostly optional it's getting easier to convince him. Now to just convert him to fulltime house spouse.

I'm gonna go pretend to work. (I have very little to do at the moment and that's fine. I'm smart enough to know that asking for work when I only temporarily have none is how I end up buried.) I'm making peace with doing nothing when I have the opportunity.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Please be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 Highly Situational 


archived:  02 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

I have a headache. Not a headache. I am really dizzy. Sort of? Is this vertigo? I don't like it.

I am having panic attacks about stupid things. A lot. All the time. I am not okay. Whew.

I'm trying to unenroll for the semester and my university's stupid PeopleSoft isn't working. PeopleSoft is terrble. I hate PeopleSoft. Does PeopleSoft ever fucking work? The answer is now, PeopleSoft is deployed to never work on purpose.

I put in a request on Lyra at work last week to do telehealth for my sad brain. I got a response right away from a therapist. I haven't replied about times that work for me because it gives me panic attacks to even acknowledge the email.

I should probably go and pretend to work for a minute or 10. In 20 minutes. I'm tired.

Okay but. I am considering adding some things to this here website. I think it could be cool to add a time stamp to my posts. Obviously this would be a thing that I would NOT be doing for hte 200+ posts prior. But it could be cool. I am also considering adding those cool, ElJay details of yore like "feelings" and "what I'm listening to." Idk I'm gonna think about it.

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Please be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

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 May Seem 


archived:  01 February 2021 
tagged:  Writing 

Hey it's a new month. Would you look at that.

I am going to take this semester off from my degree. I just can't. MiL has terminal cancer. Work is A LOT EVERY DAY and I'm being a terrible partner.

So I'm going to take this time to myself. Well, for family. I just need to breathe.

Now to cry to my universities finance department to see if I can recover my tuition.

Wish me luck!

Please:

Be kind to yourself.

Fuck the police.

Please be safe.

Keep social distancing.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Stay safe.

 back to top  //  main 



|| February 2021 ||  >> January 2021 >>